Parenthood (the show) and Me

I was watching television this afternoon and had a moment of realization. Seem to be having a few of those recently.

Parenthood was on. I watched two episodes. In the first, Kristina Braverman went for a breast examination and they found she had a lump. It turned out to be breast cancer. She was all by herself for the examination and the doctor’s appointment, but then she went home to her husband and family. In the second they dealt with seeing the surgeon and deciding how to proceed, together. He was, and I am sure will continue to be, with her all the way.

What I realized was that through all of my tests and doctors appointments, through all my worrisome days so far not knowing what was going to happen, I was all alone. I don’t have a husband, or boyfriend of any consequence, or any family in this town aside from my two-year old son. I don’t have someone to go home to who’s going to hold me, comfort me, care for me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Nobody to watch my son while I go have a meltdown or  just an hour to myself.

Sure, I have friends, but they have their own lives and as much as they say they are there for me it isn’t the same. One friend watched my son for a couple hours while I went for a massage, and my cousin in Kitchener took him for a weekend to give me a break. I am thankful for their help, but I always have to ask for it. One day it would be nice to have someone just show up and say they are taking the boy for the day so I can go have some me time. I can dream.

My Mother was here, but she left. She lives in Alberta and comes spend a couple weeks at the cottage every few months. She took my son the week I went for my first doctor’s appointment, but that was only because the babysitter was on vacation and she was already taking him for the week. I didn’t see her other than that. Even when I went to see the specialist, she stayed at the cottage because a neighbour didn’t want to be alone for the night. Forget that her daughter is dealing with something and having to take care of a two-year old all alone during it. Forget that she chose to leave to go back to Alberta knowing that I wanted her to stay. Forget that she said she hates that she is never around when things are going on, trying to make me feel bad for her. Yeah, I’m a tad bitter about that one.

I go back to see the surgeon in two weeks for an after biopsy check-up and to book a date for surgery. When I do have the surgery I won’t be able to lift or change the boy. I won’t be able to give him a bath or be his Mommy jungle gym. I am not sure how long this will be for. Not sure what I am going to do with my son then. At least I have a bit of time to figure it out.