Now It's Gone

It’s been several months now since I found that lump in my breast. This week I had it removed. And now it’s gone.

Initially finding the lump really freaked me out. I’m not gonna lie. My breasts are a big (no pun intended) part of me. They came in early and they came in large. As superficial as it may sound, they are part of my identity. To have something wrong with them, to think that I may end up not having them, was a hard prospect to consider. Luckily that didn’t happen.

The tumor removed from my breast was 3.3 x 3 x 1.8 cm. A fair size. No wonder I could so easily feel it. No wonder it was causing such discomfort. Granted, it was in a nice big cushy space but even the princess felt that pea underneath all those mattresses. It wasn’t like one day I felt my breast and it was there. I was getting gradually more uncomfortable sleeping on my right side and stomach as I was used to. At first I didn’t feel anything internal, but then one day I did. I kept checking it for the next month before going to see my doctor.

You may be thinking a month is a long time to wait before seeking medical attention but it isn’t for this particular issue. Women have a regular, or mostly regular, monthly cycle and during this cycle the body goes through natural changes. Right before the menstrual cycle breasts may appear tender, swollen, and more lumpy than usual. It is important to do regular self examinations. Knowing your body and how it changes during your cycle will help you determine if what you are feeling is really a lump that shouldn’t be there or a natural change.

Aside from the fact that my tumour was causing much discomfort, I would have had it removed anyway because it was something that shouldn’t have been there. It’s not like replacing a heart valve or getting a pin put in your hip. This was something that was growing inside of me that shouldn’t have. It was internal. It wasn’t welcome. During the surgery to remove the tumor, it was found to have a cyst attached. Funny thing that. A cyst having its own cyst. A tumor having a tumor. The tumor was a collection of cells but the cyst was fluid filled. What would have happened if I left it and the cyst burst? I was lucky to not have to find out.

I know I come off as strong and independent and having my shit together. Truth is I am really anything but. I second guess myself all the time. My home is often a sea of piles of papers, bags of books and other stuff that I never put away. I’m not a hoarder by any stretch, I’m just not organized at home like I am at work. I am a procrastinator. I worry. I worry about raising my son alone. I worry about what will happen if I am not around for him growing up.

This worrying thing is new. I know I shouldn’t worry. I know it doesn’t solve anything. If anything it just makes situations worse. No matter how we live our lives, no matter how together we seem, we all worry about various things. It’s ok to worry a bit, ok to let our fears get the best of us, but only for a minute. Then we have to let it go and carry on.

My tumor is gone. I may get another, possibly, sometime down the road. Next time I may not be so lucky but I can’t dwell on that, worry about it happening. I just need to continue living my life. I need to carry on.