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Archive for the ‘Life Ramblings’ Category

I know, it’s been forever since I sat and wrote something here. It’s not that I’ve not wanted to, it’s just that I didn’t have anything to say. Life’s been happening, as usual. Mr S has been travelling quite a bit so not too much there, but the times when he has been home, when we’ve been together, I’ve wanted to keep to myself. Again, I know. Not very nice of a sex blogger not to blog about the sex she’s been having.

Truth is, I’ve been stuck in my head. When that happens I can’t get the words, the thoughts, out in a way that makes sense. I think about moments, about experiences, about more that I want to have and about older ones that I may not have again. I feel wistful and long for something I’m not sure will happen. I think about work and life in general, about my son and school and having to teach him to speak the words he isn’t able to speak. I think about how alone I am here in my little world with him and how I wish for more for us, for him particularly.

This past week has been a roller coaster. Having heard not so great news about my son at the beginning of the week and what that may mean for us for the next few (many?) years, we didn’t start on a good note. Later in the week Mr S and I, along with friends, took in a party at a local swingers club. That was a very enjoyable experience, and one that I am hoping we will do again, often. Maybe I will be able to put that experience into words for you soon. Yesterday I ended the week with a lovely dinner at a girlfriends’ home and my son met a “best friend” who he is looking forward to seeing again soon.

So there have been some fun times in the middle of the responsible parenting moments. (You can click here for a peek at one of those moments.) Thank goodness. Maybe that is why my brain is still muddled with all my thoughts. I’m beginning to find a balance between sexy Stella time and responsible Mommy time. I’ve not really had that balance before and I don’t know how to process it. Also, what if I talk about all the good stuff in it and it all goes away? I don’t want it to go away.

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Mr S said something to me the first time we were intimate that I keep going over in my mind. “I just want to be me.” He said it a few times, “I just want to be me. I just want to be me.”

When it comes down to it isn’t that what we all want, especially us kinky BDSM people, to be ourselves? No pretending we are something we aren’t, no hiding our true nature and desires. Openness and honesty about the whole of ourselves without judgment or shame. Wouldn’t that make life so much easier?

We can be honest. We can be our true selves if we want to be. The first key is, we need to know who our true self is. The second, we also need to be confident enough not to let others thoughts bother us because, let’s face it, people can be mean to one another. We judge others based on our own standards and ideals, our own experiences. We try to make them conform to what we are told is right, something that we can understand. We also put people down who are living the way we wish we could live. That’s the tough one, treating people poorly because they are doing what we only dream of doing.

Think about it.

The service rep at work owns a brand new BMW. Wow, we wish we could buy a new BMW. A new vehicle of any kind is out of our reach at the moment, and possibly forever for a BMW. Are we happy for that rep? No, we aren’t. We somehow find a way to put him down for having a new car. We talk about how it must be nice to live at home with Mommy and spend our money on frivolous things. Little do we know, he’s the one who bought his mother her house and before the new car he took the bus or walked to save money so he could buy her that house.

The mean girl from high school just married her second husband while we sit at home alone with no prospects in sight. Why would anyone marry her? You are a much better person that she could ever be. Does he know about what a bitch she was to her fellow classmates, or how she used to make out with a lot of different guys behind the bleachers? Forget that high school was thirty years ago or that you are alone because you don’t have enough self-confidence to go out socializing with your friends. You choose to stay home alone instead.

When we meet someone and start a relationship with them, regardless how casual or serious that relationship may be, we too often fall into that trap of judging or shaming. …You’ve had how many sex partners? You tried what? That’s disgusting, how could you ever do that? You were with her and now you want to be with me? That’s a big step down don’t you think? I can’t begin to compare to her beauty…

We should be thankful for the lives our partners had before us rather than judge them for it. Truth is, if it weren’t for those partners before you, or those experiences, they wouldn’t be the person they are now and this is the person you like. So rather than being all judgmental about their past you should be thankful for it. After all, you had a past too didn’t you? You learned how to do that thing with your tongue from that guy you met at that bar in Texas ten years ago. You’re a fantastic cock worshipper because you’ve had a lot of experience at it over the years. Those are two things he really enjoys you doing. If you hadn’t had those past experiences you wouldn’t be doing those things for him today.

We’ve all had moments of insecurity, that’s natural. Letting that insecurity settle and build isn’t. If I was insecure about myself I could never have had some of the relationships or experiences I have had. And although all weren’t good relationships or experiences, they all played a part in making me the person I am today. I have the second key firmly in hand. The first? I know who I am today, but as I continue to live and learn and grow my true self will be ever evolving.

“I just want to be me.” That statement made my heart twinge a little when he said it. I thought maybe he never has been just himself, as he is, who he is, without filters and masks. Maybe he has always played the part of the man he was expected to be. Or maybe he tried being honest about his true nature and desires but was judged or shamed into denying it. Maybe he feared how people would respond and denied himself.

“I just want to be me.” I just want you to be you.

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Mister S and I were texting the other night as he is currently out of town on business. We weren’t discussing anything serious, just talking about my reminder marks and how we missed each other. Then he asked me if he could play with himself.

“May I play with myself Ms?”

“What’s the rule?” was my response, to which he requested I FaceTime with him. The rule is that he can play if he sends me a picture. Watching in real time was absolutely acceptable, and in some ways preferable. I love to watch and he loves to be watched so it’s a win-win.

I called so we could FaceTime. He quickly walked me through a hallway and into what I am assuming is his room during his stay. Then my view flipped from his handsome face to his cock. I watched as he lay on the bed pulling and tugging and showing his cock off to me. He asked if he could cum and I said no, not yet. We hadn’t done anything like this previously and I wanted to enjoy it.

My “not yet” was ignored, or unable to be followed, and before I knew it he was cumming. I made some comments about how I hated to see his delicious cum go to waste and wished I could clean it all up for him. My view soon changed from his cum covered cock back to his handsome face, for maybe a whole two seconds or so before he thought he heard footsteps approaching and said a quick goodnight.

The entire call was about two minutes from beginning to end and I was left hanging. Which was fine really because I hadn’t brought up my desire to play as well, so he was completely unaware. I can’t fault a guy for not knowing something that I didn’t tell him. I don’t expect him to be a mind reader.

The thing is though, I was pretty much irrelevant to the whole thing. At least that’s how I felt. If he had said he was going to jack off and asked if I wanted to watch I would not have any issue. Him being excited just by me watching would have been fine. I will gladly watch him stroke his cock any day of the week.

My issue is that he asked me if he could play. Then he asked me if he could cum, and yet he came anyway when I told him no. He set my expectation by asking and thereby assuming the submissive role, which put me in the dominant role. And if he wants to be the submissive partner then he needs to listen and abide by what I say. How would he react if he told me to do something while we were playing and I didn’t obey? How would you react to your partner?

I can see your question already. Yes, we switch. Although our main roles are him the Dominant and I the submissive, we do enjoy switching and will do so with each other.

Obviously this was my experience. Mister S may have a completely different view on it, one I will share if he so chooses.

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Workplace Fun

I was going to start this post by saying that although I have dreamt and fantasized about a co-worker I’ve never actually brought it to life. Then I realized that would be a lie. Maybe it was the prompt itself, office affairs, that made me forget about it. We didn’t work in an office after all. Not back then. Not like I have been for the past twenty years. There was this one time a few years back when I almost got busy with someone in my office, but that didn’t pan out and he wasn’t a co-worker. He was someone from my past that I should have let stay in the past.

It was one of my first real jobs in high school. I got a part-time job at the local Denny’s as a hostess and cleaning staff. It was great fun actually. I used to work the night shift on Friday’s and Saturday’s. Being a 24/7 restaurant we always had a big after the bar crowd. It’s funny being completely sober and listening to drunkards trying to have intelligent and philosophical conversations. What is it about consuming alcohol that makes us become all knowing? My Dad was that way. A handful of drinks and he wanted to discuss the meaning of life.

The senior employee who was assigned to me, I can’t even recall his name, was to die for. Young, handsome, and very flirtatious. We started from the very first shift. Quick whit and innuendo, never out rightly saying what we wanted to do. Good girls don’t say those things, and boys didn’t ask. One must beat around the bush about such things apparently, reading between the lines.

I’d been there about a month or so when we were working together on a Sunday evening. I was covering a shift for someone else as I didn’t normally work on Sunday’s. The place was quiet and rather empty. The back area was closed and we would all use it to go sit during our breaks. I was sitting at one of the big corner booths when he (why can’t I remember his name?) came back and sat with me. I became nervous and fidgety. I knew we would cross the line at some point, I just hadn’t thought it would be that night.

He leaned in and kissed the back of my neck. I swear, I would have melted into a puddle right then if it had been possible. When I turned my head to look at him he reached his hand out to caress my cheek then came in for a real kiss. It was gentle at first but quickly became more urgent. His hands moved to my breasts, unbuttoning my blouse and sliding in under my bra. It was electric, his rough hand on my delicate skin squeezing and pinching. I couldn’t help but let out a moan of pleasure. I felt his smile form against my lips.

Opening my eyes I was staring straight into his clear blue eyes. I saw his questions in them. Was I ok? Did I want to go further? Did I want him to stop? I answered by closing my eyes and kissing him deeply. He in turn pushed me back against the seat, reciprocating the kiss and moving his hand from my breast to between my legs.

To say it felt good would be a major understatement. I had fooled around before, had a few boyfriends, but I was still a virgin and had only been penetrated by fingers other than my own a few times previously. This was the first since moving to Ontario about six months earlier. I was too busy missing home and trying to talk my parents into moving back there to make new friends or even consider a boyfriend. The co-worker was a perfect distraction.

As good as his fingers felt I wanted something else and knew he would be up for it as well. Moving his hand from between my legs it was my turn. I pushed him back, undid his belt and unzipped his pants. As my hand wrapped around his cock I heard an unmistakable moan of pleasure and felt him relax into the seat. A few strokes later my hand was replaced by my mouth.

It was a very enjoyable break until we were interrupted by another employee with a rude “ahem”. He was not very impressed with us. Too bad. He could have joined in the fun.

 

*Note: “Office affairs” was last week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt. I didn’t get this posted then but wanted to link back to it so you could check out what others had to say about their office affairs.

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Check out this post if you would like to have a little background context to this one.




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He was quiet the next two days before trying to initiate another conversation. I didn’t respond.

The third day he apologized again.

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I have not responded. That didn’t stop him from sending me a message on FetLife to tell me he received some new toys he had ordered and wanted to use them on me.

WTF?!?

I’ve only met this guy twice. The first was at a munch and the second at a coffee shop for a drink. Both times he barely said a word which left the conversations more than lacking. I don’t even know why I agreed to meet him after the munch in the first place. It wasn’t because I was interested in dating him. I was skeptical about him from the start, which I told him several times. I need to learn to listen to that skeptical voice and quit giving the wrong people chances they don’t deserve.

I should have known he was off his rocker when I didn’t respond fast enough to a message on FetLife one day and he got perturbed. I said, “You do realize I’m working right now?” His response was, “I don’t realize but I can take an educated guess you are working. After you tell me you are working then it is a realization.” Childish response or what? I don’t know when people expect me to be working my 9-5 office job if not between the hours of 9 and 5. Seriously!

There have been a few times when he has gone off on me because I was too busy to respond to him or meet him. He’s said it’s “logically bullshit” that I am too busy. I got a “you listen to me” as well. Excuse me, what now?

What started the exchange above was him asking me if I was currently sexually involved with someone. I said yes, I have a friend. Well, that lead to him saying how terrible I was, how all those times I was busy I was actually going out with my “fuck buddy or laying on (my) back,” and how do I think someone who wants to date me is going to stick around to get dicked around while I do that. Then he started in on how I’m playing him and he won’t allow himself to be punked or insulted like that. He even tried to tell me what a “lying POS” I am because he’s come to some conclusion that I had a fuck buddy when I was seeing MySir. He doesn’t know any of the details about that relationship and had he asked he would have found out.

I’m not going to defend myself here because anyone who reads my blog or follows me on Twitter will already know the truth, enough of it at least to know that the person he was describing isn’t me. Besides that, he had stated about ten minutes into my first meeting him that he reads my blog and thought it was great. Don’t tell me you do something if you don’t, and don’t pretend to know me when clearly you don’t know anything about me or what I’ve been through these past couple of years.

There’s a bunch more but it all seems so stupid and childish. He pretty much screams immature, unbalanced abuser to me. Verbally attacking me, trying to manipulate me, then minimalizing it all by offering to bring me flowers. An apology and “are we cool?” is going to make it all better and I’m just supposed to forgive and forget? I don’t think so. It’s like the woman who gets hit because her husband had a bad day at the office then he buys her flowers and expects her to forget all about the bruise on her cheek. Not this girl. That is abuse, classic abuse, and I won’t accept it.

I may be in my 40’s and currently single, but I would much rather be alone than with a pathetic, delusional little man who thinks verbally attacking a woman, putting her down and blaming her, is the way to get her. There are plenty of real men, kind and considerate men, out there. One will come my way. And if one doesn’t I still have the best man in the world, my son.

BTW, my favorite color is red.

 

Note: This person has been deleted and blocked on my social media sites. Anyone know if I can block his calls and texts on my cell phone?

 

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Then he said something about how I should have been more cautious, how my life would have turned out very differently if I hadn’t allowed myself to get pregnant by “THAT” kind of guy, and that he doesn’t date or even talk to women with “fuck buddies”. Now, I had told him the whole story about my son’s father on a previous occasion so he already knew how long we had been together and known each other. It isn’t something I like to discuss with people and I don’t do it often, but I was trying to be completely open from the beginning and give this guy a chance. You see how well that worked.

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He continued with a spiel about how I have a fuck buddy (which is not what I said), and how I am a “lying POS” because he can’t follow the concept of an open relationship and having a partner who enjoys seeing and hearing about you being with someone else. Nor can he understand that changing a relationship status on social media does not mean it just happened that very second. To be fair, he would not have seen when I deleted my owned status back at the beginning of the summer only when I changed it to unowned more recently. Although, he did ask me out several times before I added the unowned part.

He says he follows my blog and has read a lot of the comments I’ve made on FetLife. Apparently not enough to know anything about me. I suspect he saw that I wrote this blog, along with the pics that I’ve posted, and wanted to be a part of it. He has only called me by my real name two times that I can see. I even responded with his FetLife name once so he could see how stupid it was. He didn’t catch the hint. The one time I met him for a drink he gave himself the moniker Mr Ten. He said ten because he wanted people to think about why it was Mr Ten rather than Mr X.

Well, here you go Mr X, welcome to the blog!

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Just Smile

Sometimes a smile is all you need.20141122-151126.jpg

When we are happy we can’t help but smile. Big grins ear to ear. Or maybe a coy smile, the kind we make when thinking about a loved one, the kind we make when we think nobody is watching.

There is more to the smile than the the actual smile too. There are the eyes. They light up when you have a genuine smile. There is a twinkle, a glow. Even if you are one of those people who doesn’t have a big grin to show off, you still have eyes that portray the smile your lips don’t.

When we feel down and blue we don’t often smile, but a smile from somebody else can make our day. It doesn’t have to be from anyone in particular, a total stranger will do, but somehow that smile touches us and makes us feel we aren’t alone.

When I look back at times in my life when I have struggled it was the kindness of strangers that helped me through. Their smile and helping hand did more for me than and doctor or pill or therapist could. They did more for me because I could see the genuine desire they had to help. They weren’t helping because they would earn a dollar by doing so. They weren’t helping because they got a kick-back form some pharmaceutical company. They helped because it made them feel good, and that showed in their smile.

20141122-151110.jpgThe same holds true for our partners, whether they be strictly play partners or forever loves. There is a joy that shows thru when they are truly enjoying what they are doing. We can’t help but notice even if they don’t. Even the sadist has a smile. A wicked evil one that may leave you scared of what could be coming next, but still you can see the genuine pleasure they are experiencing in the moment.

For those times when you are alone, when there is no stranger or partner or friend to give you the smile you need, just smile yourself. I’m not sure if this is a “fake it ’till you make it” kind of thing, or if it’s the smile that makes you happy versus being happy that makes you smile, but either way it will work. Come on, try it. 🙂

 

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