Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Life Ramblings’ Category

I know, it’s been forever since I sat and wrote something here. It’s not that I’ve not wanted to, it’s just that I didn’t have anything to say. Life’s been happening, as usual. Mr S has been travelling quite a bit so not too much there, but the times when he has been home, when we’ve been together, I’ve wanted to keep to myself. Again, I know. Not very nice of a sex blogger not to blog about the sex she’s been having.

Truth is, I’ve been stuck in my head. When that happens I can’t get the words, the thoughts, out in a way that makes sense. I think about moments, about experiences, about more that I want to have and about older ones that I may not have again. I feel wistful and long for something I’m not sure will happen. I think about work and life in general, about my son and school and having to teach him to speak the words he isn’t able to speak. I think about how alone I am here in my little world with him and how I wish for more for us, for him particularly.

This past week has been a roller coaster. Having heard not so great news about my son at the beginning of the week and what that may mean for us for the next few (many?) years, we didn’t start on a good note. Later in the week Mr S and I, along with friends, took in a party at a local swingers club. That was a very enjoyable experience, and one that I am hoping we will do again, often. Maybe I will be able to put that experience into words for you soon. Yesterday I ended the week with a lovely dinner at a girlfriends’ home and my son met a “best friend” who he is looking forward to seeing again soon.

So there have been some fun times in the middle of the responsible parenting moments. (You can click here for a peek at one of those moments.) Thank goodness. Maybe that is why my brain is still muddled with all my thoughts. I’m beginning to find a balance between sexy Stella time and responsible Mommy time. I’ve not really had that balance before and I don’t know how to process it. Also, what if I talk about all the good stuff in it and it all goes away? I don’t want it to go away.

Read Full Post »

Mr S said something to me the first time we were intimate that I keep going over in my mind. “I just want to be me.” He said it a few times, “I just want to be me. I just want to be me.”

When it comes down to it isn’t that what we all want, especially us kinky BDSM people, to be ourselves? No pretending we are something we aren’t, no hiding our true nature and desires. Openness and honesty about the whole of ourselves without judgment or shame. Wouldn’t that make life so much easier?

We can be honest. We can be our true selves if we want to be. The first key is, we need to know who our true self is. The second, we also need to be confident enough not to let others thoughts bother us because, let’s face it, people can be mean to one another. We judge others based on our own standards and ideals, our own experiences. We try to make them conform to what we are told is right, something that we can understand. We also put people down who are living the way we wish we could live. That’s the tough one, treating people poorly because they are doing what we only dream of doing.

Think about it.

The service rep at work owns a brand new BMW. Wow, we wish we could buy a new BMW. A new vehicle of any kind is out of our reach at the moment, and possibly forever for a BMW. Are we happy for that rep? No, we aren’t. We somehow find a way to put him down for having a new car. We talk about how it must be nice to live at home with Mommy and spend our money on frivolous things. Little do we know, he’s the one who bought his mother her house and before the new car he took the bus or walked to save money so he could buy her that house.

The mean girl from high school just married her second husband while we sit at home alone with no prospects in sight. Why would anyone marry her? You are a much better person that she could ever be. Does he know about what a bitch she was to her fellow classmates, or how she used to make out with a lot of different guys behind the bleachers? Forget that high school was thirty years ago or that you are alone because you don’t have enough self-confidence to go out socializing with your friends. You choose to stay home alone instead.

When we meet someone and start a relationship with them, regardless how casual or serious that relationship may be, we too often fall into that trap of judging or shaming. …You’ve had how many sex partners? You tried what? That’s disgusting, how could you ever do that? You were with her and now you want to be with me? That’s a big step down don’t you think? I can’t begin to compare to her beauty…

We should be thankful for the lives our partners had before us rather than judge them for it. Truth is, if it weren’t for those partners before you, or those experiences, they wouldn’t be the person they are now and this is the person you like. So rather than being all judgmental about their past you should be thankful for it. After all, you had a past too didn’t you? You learned how to do that thing with your tongue from that guy you met at that bar in Texas ten years ago. You’re a fantastic cock worshipper because you’ve had a lot of experience at it over the years. Those are two things he really enjoys you doing. If you hadn’t had those past experiences you wouldn’t be doing those things for him today.

We’ve all had moments of insecurity, that’s natural. Letting that insecurity settle and build isn’t. If I was insecure about myself I could never have had some of the relationships or experiences I have had. And although all weren’t good relationships or experiences, they all played a part in making me the person I am today. I have the second key firmly in hand. The first? I know who I am today, but as I continue to live and learn and grow my true self will be ever evolving.

“I just want to be me.” That statement made my heart twinge a little when he said it. I thought maybe he never has been just himself, as he is, who he is, without filters and masks. Maybe he has always played the part of the man he was expected to be. Or maybe he tried being honest about his true nature and desires but was judged or shamed into denying it. Maybe he feared how people would respond and denied himself.

“I just want to be me.” I just want you to be you.

Read Full Post »

Mister S and I were texting the other night as he is currently out of town on business. We weren’t discussing anything serious, just talking about my reminder marks and how we missed each other. Then he asked me if he could play with himself.

“May I play with myself Ms?”

“What’s the rule?” was my response, to which he requested I FaceTime with him. The rule is that he can play if he sends me a picture. Watching in real time was absolutely acceptable, and in some ways preferable. I love to watch and he loves to be watched so it’s a win-win.

I called so we could FaceTime. He quickly walked me through a hallway and into what I am assuming is his room during his stay. Then my view flipped from his handsome face to his cock. I watched as he lay on the bed pulling and tugging and showing his cock off to me. He asked if he could cum and I said no, not yet. We hadn’t done anything like this previously and I wanted to enjoy it.

My “not yet” was ignored, or unable to be followed, and before I knew it he was cumming. I made some comments about how I hated to see his delicious cum go to waste and wished I could clean it all up for him. My view soon changed from his cum covered cock back to his handsome face, for maybe a whole two seconds or so before he thought he heard footsteps approaching and said a quick goodnight.

The entire call was about two minutes from beginning to end and I was left hanging. Which was fine really because I hadn’t brought up my desire to play as well, so he was completely unaware. I can’t fault a guy for not knowing something that I didn’t tell him. I don’t expect him to be a mind reader.

The thing is though, I was pretty much irrelevant to the whole thing. At least that’s how I felt. If he had said he was going to jack off and asked if I wanted to watch I would not have any issue. Him being excited just by me watching would have been fine. I will gladly watch him stroke his cock any day of the week.

My issue is that he asked me if he could play. Then he asked me if he could cum, and yet he came anyway when I told him no. He set my expectation by asking and thereby assuming the submissive role, which put me in the dominant role. And if he wants to be the submissive partner then he needs to listen and abide by what I say. How would he react if he told me to do something while we were playing and I didn’t obey? How would you react to your partner?

I can see your question already. Yes, we switch. Although our main roles are him the Dominant and I the submissive, we do enjoy switching and will do so with each other.

Obviously this was my experience. Mister S may have a completely different view on it, one I will share if he so chooses.

20140828-081311.jpg

 

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »

Blogable

When it's in your head, it's blogable

Smut Marathon

Dare to challenge yourself...

Exposing40

Friends. Photography. Adventure.

Steeled Snake

FLR, D/s, Life and Kink

The Other Livvy

My secret alter ego...

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: