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Archive for the ‘Life Ramblings’ Category

Honesty

Honesty. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. It’s the one thing, above all else, that I have always asked of and expected of my partners. Sadly it seems to be the one thing none have been capable of thus far. Why is this? Why is honesty so difficult to provide? Is it because they tell me what they think I want to hear? Or because they don’t want to admit certain truths to themselves? Or to me? Maybe it’s a combination. Maybe there is more to it. I don’t know but I wish I could figure it out.

I don’t just ask for honesty, I give it too. I strive to be as open and honest as possible in every aspect of my life. No, I don’t shout from the rooftops that I am a kinky submissive, but I don’t hide that fact either. And even though I don’t talk to my family about it I’m certain they know to some degree. My mom’s seen things. She isn’t stupid. My brother has ransacked my things trying to find, I don’t know, something he’s misplaced or money to buy more. He’s never mentioned the private things of mine he’s found, even though I know he’s come across them.

I am honest with my partners when they ask me things. I tell them my desires. I share stories of my past. Maybe I am too honest. Maybe because they are still holding back, or because they are used to women holding back, they think that the truths I share are only part if my story. They think I am keeping something more to myself so they keep secrets from me as well.

I don’t care what the reason is I just want it to stop. No, I do care. I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t care to know. So tell me. Why is it so difficult for people to be honest with one another?

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I give people the benefit of the doubt more often than I should. I don’t know why but I’d rather be too trusting, believe the best of people, than to assume the worst and be shown better later. Naive? Maybe. Better for my spirit? I don’t know. Seems I believe in people I shouldn’t, people who are deliberately dishonest, far too often than my fragile heart can handle.

I am also one of those people who jumps heart first into relationships. If I like you, I’ll tell you. If I want you, I’ll tell you. If you make my panties wet, I will tell you that too. If I love you, I will without a doubt tell you. I see no reason in holding back. Why should I? Why should anyone?

I told a girlfriend of mine the other day that I would rather have my heart broken a million times than to never love at all. It’s true. There is a line in a song that says, “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.” And another song that says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” If we don’t put ourselves out there we will never find love and happiness. If we aren’t willing to risk getting hurt we will never find love. If we spend our time trying to keep ourselves from pain and heartache we will miss out on a whole lot of wonderful experiences.

What I need to do is stop putting my everything into something that isn’t right, with someone who doesn’t love me like I love them. The problem is they say the right things and do the right things until one day when I suddenly realize it was just an act or some kind of twisted game and the joke’s on me. I can be a downright fool at times. Especially when it comes to men.

I give chances time and again and still end up in the same spot. No more second chances, and sure as hell no more third chances, because I learned today that nothing you can say or do will ever change the fact of how hurt and broken I became following your actions and lies. Me believing you let me live without pain. It let me have hope. Finding out it was all lies hurt more today than the hell I went through when you disappeared last year. It hurt more because I had hope this time, because I told you I loved you and I meant it.

If I ask you something straight up and you lie to me, I’m done. If you can’t follow your words with corresponding actions, I’m done. Simple. I can’t keep getting my heart broken by a man who does not deserve my heart and my love.

I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart that had once been filled with hopes and dreams of a life with you. A hole I never knew was there until it had been filled.

I won’t stop loving or caring for people. I won’t stop jumping in and giving everything I have. I won’t stop believing in people. I just can’t believe in you any longer. I am not your Babydoll. I am not your Pet. You, are not MySir.

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I am wide awake at the moment. Surprising given the events of last night and the week that preceded it. I am certain to fall asleep again shortly though. A double dose of codeine will do that to a girl.

I’ve spent most of the past week with the Sicky Sick Sickness. (Yes, that’s the technical term. Just ask Mrs Stranded.) on Wednesday my doctor prescribed some meds to help me deal with said Sicky Sick Sickness. A delightful cherry syrup with codeine in it. If any of you have ever taken medication containing codeine you’ll know it can knock you on your ass. I had to work on that stuff for three days!

I felt like one of those old people on a dozen different medications, one to offset the side effects of another, although mine were each for their own reason. I was on the lovely syrup three times a day, two extra strength Tylenol with it, then arthritis meds twice a day, and birth control and heart meds before bed. That’s 6 spoons of syrup and 10 pills. Ugh!

To say I was high at times would be accurate. It was going to be worth it though to make it to last night’s dance and play party, and aside from a little lingering cough I was set. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stay and play as hard as I wanted to but that was ok. Getting out and having a fun night with my kinky friends would still be a blast.

My son was dropped off at Artist Wife’s house for the night and I was all showered. Smelling pretty and feeling good. Still wasn’t sure what I was going to wear but with a closet full of little black dresses I wasn’t too concerned. Must eat something though. I’d gone all day on a handful of chicken nuggets. So down to the kitchen I went. Food. That was my demise. I should have ran a drive-thru on my way to the party.

You know how things happen so fast but seem to play out in slow motion? That’s exactly what it was like. I reached into the fridge for an apple, pulled it out and took a bite. Delicious. Now comes the super fast slow motion part. I put the apple down and went back to the fridge for a drink. Opening the door my apple began to roll off the counter. My super ninja skills kicked in and I tried to catch it. My super ninja skills were still high on codeine though. Instead of catching the apple it bounced off my hand and hit my glass sending it towards the floor. I still hadn’t realized how out if whack my super ninja skills were so I tried then to catch the glass. Another fail. It hit the fridge door, broke then fell to the floor and shattered into more pieces. I stepped back, right onto broken glass. Damnit!

My little black dress and pin-up girl heels at a party became sweatpants and a towel around my foot at the hospital. So not the exciting night I had planned on. Nearly three hours, two needles, one stitch, and a drug store stop later I was home again. The most action I received was when the nurse cleaned and bandaged my foot.

The daily dose of meds now includes Tylenol with codeine in place of the two extra strength Tylenol and an added antibiotic. Thankfully today is the last day of the 6 spoonfuls of syrup.

The meds are kicking in again now. It’s nap time.

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Last Wednesday I missed posting to the blog. As a result I decided two posts today, with one of them being your choice, would make up for it. I’ve been posting two posts a day all week with The Devil’s Deal, but that doesn’t make up for anything. It is #DragonWeek afterall.

I had a few suggestions and the consensus was that people enjoy seeing me with a cock in my mouth. Wouldn’t want to disappoint. 😉

 

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Three weeks ago I left work, two hours later than usual, and went to pick my son up from his Auntie. As I pulled into the parking lot and reached for my purse I suddenly realized I had left it at the office. Not only did I leave it at work, I left it on my desk in an office that runs 24/7. My department doesn’t work 24/7 but several do and one of them is right next to mine. Unfortunately I didn’t know any of the people who were working in the office that night so once I picked my son up I had to haul my ass back to the office to retrieve my purse.

This is something that happens to me on too regular a basis, although that was the first time I had left it at the office. Today was the second time. At least today I left it locked away in a drawer. Thankfully I had petty cash delivered and my purse was in the drawer I lock the petty cash in. When did I notice my purse was missing? About ten minutes ago when I went to get my wallet to make an online purchase.

I once went to pick up groceries and realized my wallet wasn’t with me when I went to pay. Yeah, that was embarrassing with a line of people behind me. That was the beginning of one of the most unforgettable days of my life, and not because it was a great day. Actually, tomorrow will mark the 14th anniversary of that day. Yes, I remember it quite vividly still. Being without my wallet at the grocery store was just the beginning. After the grocery store embarrassment I caught the oven on fire while cooking dinner. And no, I’m not a bad cook. Honestly. Once I got that mess cleaned up I headed out to a movie with a friend. When the movie was over we came out to the parking lot to find my car one tire short. Someone had taken it and left my car sitting there all wonky on three tires. Was that the end? Nope. I capped the day off at the hospital getting five stitches in my finger. Now do you understand why I remember that day so well?

Despite the terrible day that was, there was another day when forgetting my purse was worse. My ex and I were going through separation and I had decided to go on vacation to a spot I enjoy on the north shore of Lake Superior. I thought a week away on the lake with no phone or television would do wonders for my state of mind. I needed to do something but that trip wasn’t it. I was at the airport, bags and ticket in hand, when I realized I had left my purse at home.

I can’t even begin to explain to you how I felt at that moment. I was sabotaging myself. I was falling apart and losing my mind in the process. The inn was understanding and didn’t charge me for the short cancellation notice and the plane ticket was booked with points so I wasn’t out any money, but that wasn’t the point. It didn’t matter that I was only going 1200 kms away or if I was going to the other side of the planet. I was so sad and heartbroken. My ex didn’t make me feel any better about it.

There were reasons I was being absent-minded about my purse all those years ago. What are the reasons behind it now? How do I get my mind back? How do I stop leaving my purse places? How do I keep my head attached so I don’t accidentally leave it somewhere one day?

 

 

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Turkey Day

It’s Thanksgiving, otherwise known as Turkey Day in Canada!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I’ll have something more to say tomorrow after I come out of this turkey coma. 😉

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Picture Day

Today is picture day! My son will have his school picture taken for the very first time. Even though I dressed him and walked him into the classroom this morning, I am anxious about how the pictures will turn out, for a few reasons…

He’s a boy.

Yes I know that’s obvious but as the saying goes, boys will be boys. And he is a rough and tumble little boy. He’s worn ripped the knees out of two pairs of pants in the past week and came home today with a hole in a knee of the brand new pair I just bought last evening. Maybe I should invest in some kneeless pants. Shorts were good in the summer but I suspect school will be calling children’s services on me if I continue sending him in shorts over the winter. Time to break out the patches and sewing machine. Aside from the knees, he also comes home with his clothes covered in paint and the occasional spot of dried bugger on his cheek. And on more than one occasion, he’s had some kind of bump or bruise or scratch on his face when I’ve brought him to have pictures taken. That should make for a lovely picture don’t you think?

He’s my boy.

I’ve been known to change my look a time or two for school pictures. The first time was in grade two. I wore a lovely green and yellow sundress and my mother had put much effort into ensuring my hair was smooth and styled. Looking in the bathroom mirror at school before going to have my picture done I thought I needed something a little different. The clothes stayed but my hair became a comb-over with clips holding the one side back. It didn’t look horrible but my mother was not pleased when the proofs showed up. You know who else has done the picture day switcheroo? My twin brother’s daughter. Again, she went off to school looking as beautiful as always and we were completely surprised by her pictures. She had decided to surprise us by wearing her “I didn’t ask to be a princess but if the crown fits” shirt and her tiara. There could have been a wand in her hand too if I’m not mistaken. I double checked his schoolbag to ensure no Spiderman costume or crazy hat had been stashed. We like to be unique and my son is very much the same.

He’s a contrary boy.

The second or third time we took him for pictures he fell asleep on the drive there and I had to wake him up. Bad move. He was contrary the whole time and didn’t crack a smile in a single picture. My mother once tried to get his pictures done as a surprise for me and the pictures did not turn out well at all. He didn’t want to have his picture taken and so proceeded to cry and throw a little tantrum at the studio. I did get one of him with tears running down his cheeks, all covered in snot though. It was a Christmas themed photo shoot so I got a “naughty” and “nice” cover for my cell phone with the snotty picture and a nice one from when they went back later to try again. Once this phone is replaced I am going to turn the cover into a Christmas tree ornament so I can laugh at it for years to come, and possibly embarrass him along the way. How long do you think that ornament will last before magically disappearing?

 

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