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Then he said something about how I should have been more cautious, how my life would have turned out very differently if I hadn’t allowed myself to get pregnant by “THAT” kind of guy, and that he doesn’t date or even talk to women with “fuck buddies”. Now, I had told him the whole story about my son’s father on a previous occasion so he already knew how long we had been together and known each other. It isn’t something I like to discuss with people and I don’t do it often, but I was trying to be completely open from the beginning and give this guy a chance. You see how well that worked.

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He continued with a spiel about how I have a fuck buddy (which is not what I said), and how I am a “lying POS” because he can’t follow the concept of an open relationship and having a partner who enjoys seeing and hearing about you being with someone else. Nor can he understand that changing a relationship status on social media does not mean it just happened that very second. To be fair, he would not have seen when I deleted my owned status back at the beginning of the summer only when I changed it to unowned more recently. Although, he did ask me out several times before I added the unowned part.

He says he follows my blog and has read a lot of the comments I’ve made on FetLife. Apparently not enough to know anything about me. I suspect he saw that I wrote this blog, along with the pics that I’ve posted, and wanted to be a part of it. He has only called me by my real name two times that I can see. I even responded with his FetLife name once so he could see how stupid it was. He didn’t catch the hint. The one time I met him for a drink he gave himself the moniker Mr Ten. He said ten because he wanted people to think about why it was Mr Ten rather than Mr X.

Well, here you go Mr X, welcome to the blog!

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Honesty

Honesty. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. It’s the one thing, above all else, that I have always asked of and expected of my partners. Sadly it seems to be the one thing none have been capable of thus far. Why is this? Why is honesty so difficult to provide? Is it because they tell me what they think I want to hear? Or because they don’t want to admit certain truths to themselves? Or to me? Maybe it’s a combination. Maybe there is more to it. I don’t know but I wish I could figure it out.

I don’t just ask for honesty, I give it too. I strive to be as open and honest as possible in every aspect of my life. No, I don’t shout from the rooftops that I am a kinky submissive, but I don’t hide that fact either. And even though I don’t talk to my family about it I’m certain they know to some degree. My mom’s seen things. She isn’t stupid. My brother has ransacked my things trying to find, I don’t know, something he’s misplaced or money to buy more. He’s never mentioned the private things of mine he’s found, even though I know he’s come across them.

I am honest with my partners when they ask me things. I tell them my desires. I share stories of my past. Maybe I am too honest. Maybe because they are still holding back, or because they are used to women holding back, they think that the truths I share are only part if my story. They think I am keeping something more to myself so they keep secrets from me as well.

I don’t care what the reason is I just want it to stop. No, I do care. I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t care to know. So tell me. Why is it so difficult for people to be honest with one another?

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I give people the benefit of the doubt more often than I should. I don’t know why but I’d rather be too trusting, believe the best of people, than to assume the worst and be shown better later. Naive? Maybe. Better for my spirit? I don’t know. Seems I believe in people I shouldn’t, people who are deliberately dishonest, far too often than my fragile heart can handle.

I am also one of those people who jumps heart first into relationships. If I like you, I’ll tell you. If I want you, I’ll tell you. If you make my panties wet, I will tell you that too. If I love you, I will without a doubt tell you. I see no reason in holding back. Why should I? Why should anyone?

I told a girlfriend of mine the other day that I would rather have my heart broken a million times than to never love at all. It’s true. There is a line in a song that says, “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.” And another song that says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” If we don’t put ourselves out there we will never find love and happiness. If we aren’t willing to risk getting hurt we will never find love. If we spend our time trying to keep ourselves from pain and heartache we will miss out on a whole lot of wonderful experiences.

What I need to do is stop putting my everything into something that isn’t right, with someone who doesn’t love me like I love them. The problem is they say the right things and do the right things until one day when I suddenly realize it was just an act or some kind of twisted game and the joke’s on me. I can be a downright fool at times. Especially when it comes to men.

I give chances time and again and still end up in the same spot. No more second chances, and sure as hell no more third chances, because I learned today that nothing you can say or do will ever change the fact of how hurt and broken I became following your actions and lies. Me believing you let me live without pain. It let me have hope. Finding out it was all lies hurt more today than the hell I went through when you disappeared last year. It hurt more because I had hope this time, because I told you I loved you and I meant it.

If I ask you something straight up and you lie to me, I’m done. If you can’t follow your words with corresponding actions, I’m done. Simple. I can’t keep getting my heart broken by a man who does not deserve my heart and my love.

I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart that had once been filled with hopes and dreams of a life with you. A hole I never knew was there until it had been filled.

I won’t stop loving or caring for people. I won’t stop jumping in and giving everything I have. I won’t stop believing in people. I just can’t believe in you any longer. I am not your Babydoll. I am not your Pet. You, are not MySir.

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I believe we are capable of loving more than one person at a time and having committed relationships with each of them. As with any relationship though, the key to making it work is open and honest communication with everyone. You can have a primary partner, many would have a legal spouse with another committed relationship or relationships, but you have to be honest and forthcoming with each of them. There’s no other way.

Jealousy should never be a problem. When you realize that you are all important parts of the whole, that you are not more or less than any other, that loving one someone else doesn’t take away from the love that they have for you, jealousy becomes a non issue.

It was described to me this way once. A couple has a child. That child is loved and cared for by her parents. Everything is wonderful. Then the couple has more children. Each child is loved and cared for by their parents. Everything is still wonderful. We can have intimate relationships like this as well. We already have friendships like this don’t we? We each have more than one friend that is there for us when we need them, that we care about and support in their life as well. Why should that be different when the relationship is that of lover rather than that of friend? Your lovers should be your friends. If they aren’t they won’t last.

Somebody else tried to put it to me something like this… He said that over the years he has played, without the sex component, with many women. During a scene he would often time become excited and turned on but would never move on to something sexual because he was in a committed relationship. To him, being poly meant that he could continue the play with sex if they both wanted to. If you know anything about polyamorous relationships you know that what he described isn’t poly, it is an open relationship. Putting the term poly on it for him made it seem ok, even though it IS NOT POLY.

Another non-poly lifestyle that people try to lump in with it is swinging. Being swingers is not being poly. You can be in polyamorous relationships and swing with your partners, but that is an addition to not an included with and still, every partner needs to be aware and supportive of the swinging. Not everything in life needs to be, or can be, made into some super sized combo where every side that is available is added.

Many people jump on the polyamorous bandwagon because they think it is a free pass to fuck around with whomever they want, whenever they want. That is not what poly is. If you are in a relationship and going behind your partners back to have sexual relations with other people you are not being polyamorous, you are cheating. If she knows about it and supports you in your extracurricular activities it is an open relationship, but still not poly.

Forcing your partner, or partners, to do things they don’t want to do or to accept things they aren’t comfortable with is abuse regardless of what label you put on it.

Polyamory is about more than sex, it is about relationships, and not just your relationships with your partners but also their relationships with each other. It all has to work and it takes a lot of work to build and maintain those relationships. It is about supporting each other, loving each other, no matter what. As with any relationship your sex life will have its ebbs and flows. Love is the reason people have polyamorous relationships, not sex. Love is not sex. Sex is not love. (I’m sure you knew that already but it had to be said.)


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Victor and Tasha have to wait another week. I had started the next post in the series but things, as often happens in my life, got in the way. I was quite sick with bronchitis and am just beginning to feel halfway normal again. The coughing is dying down and everything no longer feels like I was punched in it.

On to my actual Wicked Wednesday post for the week…

In the vanilla world there’s this rule about dating a friends ex. Don’t do it. Simple. It’s a rule I’ve always followed and one that has caused the end of more than one friendship between some of my friends. Now, in my new wonderfully kinky life and community, this rule doesn’t really apply. Actually, the rule is more like don’t play with someone you can’t get references for. Which basically means if you don’t know someone who knows them, or someone who knows someone who knows them, and can vouch for their character then you maybe shouldn’t go there.

How odd, and totally fantastic, this was to me. Rather than having a girlfriend point out a man she has had a relationship with and saying, “I’ve been there so don’t go there,” she says something like “I’ve been there, you should go there,” or “He is a great Dom, have you met him yet? I think you guys would hit it off.” It reminds me of those parties people used to have, and possibly still do although I haven’t heard of them in a quite some time, where everyone brings an ex-lover or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. The idea is that we all have exes who, even though it didn’t work out between the two of us, are great and would be perfect for someone else. We support them in finding someone new who will be better suited for them rather than kicking them to the curb and telling people you know to steer clear of them.

I’ve always been of the mindset that regardless whether you’ve had sex with someone or not, if you think they would be a good match for someone you know you should be able to introduce them, set them up even if that’s your thing. I always followed the don’t go near my ex rule simply because I found people to be too petty and jealous and didn’t want to stir the pot. They think that because they once shared a kiss or a bed or the backseat of a car that they somehow have ownership over them. Some people, women more so in my experience, even play the don’t go near my ex card for men who aren’t their exes. Sarah had the biggest crush on Tom when they were in 5th and 6th grades and it would devastate her if you ever hooked up with him. Seriously? Yep, that shit happens.

I dated this guy named Shawn one summer when I was in high school. We were friends for years, we grew up next door to each other, and this summer we became more than friends for a while. During that time we attended the weddings of his sister and one of his cousins. I am all over the wedding videos. Our fling didn’t last beyond the summer but it is forever documented on those videos. The following year he started dating the woman who has since become his wife. They have three sons and have been married more than twenty years. Still, even with all those years of marriage between them and my being nothing more than a spec of a dot twenty-odd years ago, she is jealous of me. Any time I’ve run into him, which has only been a handful of times since we now live more than 1,500 miles and a body of water apart, we can’t even have a conversation if she is there or anyone who would tell her they saw me is there. I get that you can have moments of insecurity and that starting a relationship with someone after they have recently shared some big moments with someone else can cause you to feel some pangs of jealousy, but if you are so insecure in your relationship after more than twenty years together that you can’t even handle your husband saying hello you have more issues than just some petty jealousy about me.

I’ve never been a jealous person though so I don’t really understand people who are. To me it is a rather useless feeling, much like worry. What does jealously do for a person? It doesn’t make you feel good. It doesn’t help in any way. If you are insecure in your relationship, figure out why and fix it or leave the relationship and move on.

An ex-lover once asked me what I thought our relationship was and if I had issue with him seeing other women. He had been pushing for me to see other men and to find a “real relationship.” He actually brought this up on numerous occasions. I guess he wasn’t used to the non-clingy, non-jealous answers that I gave him. I recall him saying something along the line of not knowing if I was delusional and not being honest with myself or if I was really that way. Truth was I didn’t really care about him the way he thought I might. Yes, we had fun and I cared about him, but it was never going to be any big romance or love story. Although a lot of good things came from me giving him a chance, it was never going to be more than a bit of fun, a you scratch my itch and I’ll scratch yours kind of thing.

There was only one time that I felt jealous and I found it very odd to say the least. He, MySir, was Twitter friends with a young lady and they had this flirty thing going on. There were some comments made between the two of them that I didn’t particularly like. He had made a comment about a piece of art she had posted a picture of and she came back with something about how he knew what it looked like because he had seen it in her bedroom. I asked Him if they knew each other and had a relationship in real life and he said it was just an online flirtation. Some time after I brought it up again and he asked me if I was jealous. I said no at first then I realized that was exactly what I was feeling and told him so. It was tough admitting it because it meant admitting that I felt insecure and unsure about what the relationship we were having meant to him. I’m sure it also had to do with the fact that she lived in the same state as him while I lived 600 miles away. That is the only time I have ever truly felt jealous.

Click the Wicked Wednesday button below to read what others had to say about jealousy this week.

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Missing Him

I’ve been thinking about MySir all day today. I picked up my phone to talk to him more than a few times. I told him I would give him what he needs though so I didn’t call him or text him. It’s hard. Not doing the one thing I want to do most. Knowing he is there, and available if I pushed it, but not being able to communicate with him because I’m trying to so the right thing and not be a whiny baby. Well, not be a whiny baby to him. I can be one here because this is my blog, my place to be open and free with my thoughts, my desires, my hopes and dreams.

He may read this but I doubt it. Maybe months from now, maybe next year, maybe never. There was a time, when we first met, that he read every single post I had written and he’d ask me questions about them. Then he disappeared and stopped. When he came back late last year things were different. He was different. He no longer read everything and no longer questioned me. Why? I don’t know if it’s because he didn’t want to or that he just didn’t care. And when I say didn’t care I don’t mean about me or what I say. I mean it didn’t matter what I said here because I would tell him all those things anyway.

Now I am laying here and all I can think about is Him and how I can’t share with him right now. I love him and I miss him very much. I want to share everything with him. I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake up to his smile in the morning. I want to hear him laugh and see it in his eyes. One day. Maybe. Hopefully.

I did break down and send him an email though. Something that made me laugh and should make him laugh as well. No words, no conversation, just this link about fishing courtesy of a tweet from @DumbDomme. http://m.imgur.com/DcyPe

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What Happens?

What happens when we fall in love with someone who can’t love us back?

What happens if they do?

What happens when the road blocks are too big to cross?

Do we keep trying to cross them?

Do we give up?

Do we ever really give up, or do we just pretend to move on?

Will they always be a part of us?

Will we always hurt?

Will we ever be truly happy without them?

What happens if they come back to us?

Whey if they want to try?

What then?

How do we forgive?

Do we?

Can we?

Should we?

I have no fucking clue!

 

 

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