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Posts Tagged ‘dominant’

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You should always trust your body and it’s limitations. Easily said when you are living a vanilla life, but not so when you enter the world of kink and BDSM. It isn’t that easy because we are may be pushing a limit, some boundary that we want to move beyond or that our Dom wants to help us move beyond. We will engage in activities that cause pain or draw blood, or that generally scare the shit out of us and excite us to no end at the same time. We test ourselves, our Dom’s test us, we test them…. (Yes, we test you. It’s true. Any sub who says they do not or have not tested their Dom is lying.)

The thing is though, that our bodies can only go so far and we need to recognize that before we do great harm. When our endorphins are rushing through us and we start heading off into subspace we can miss or neglect the signs of going to far. This is when you need to trust your Dom to notice the signs for you. When you can’t trust your body, trust your Dom. If you can not trust your Dom then you need to find another.

When your Dom is whipping you and you start to fly you aren’t paying attention to your body heating up or the shakes that start or the fact that you are unable to respond in any comprehensible manner to the pain he is inflicting on your body. Even if we like it, it’s still pain and pain can mean damage. You aren’t paying attention to the signs your body is giving you, but he is. He is checking in with you throughout the scene and notices every little movement and nuance of your body. He knows how it reacts and when it reaches it’s limits.

This means that even though you didn’t use your safe word or get to the point of play that you thought you would, he is going to stop the scene. He should stop the scene. If you are in a public play space or play party and he doesn’t stop the scene a DM will. Keep in mind that just because someone has to step in to stop a scene does not mean that you have a bad Dom. It could be that while you are flying into subspace he is flying into Domspace and not fully aware of the situation. When he is checking in with you during your scene you should be checking on him as well. This way you will notice if he is starting to fly or if he is becoming agitated and you can stop the scene at that time.

I know I said trust your body and if you can’t trust your body trust your Dom, but the reality is we are all human and there may occasionally be times when things happen that we don’t expect or are out of our control. This absolutely must not be the norm. If this becomes the norm you need to find another Dom.

When you aren’t able to trust your body, here are some things your Dom is looking at:

  1. Your breathing – Is your breathing becoming shallow or erratic? Are you having a hard time catching your breath? Maybe you have asthma and an attack is coming.
  2. Your ability to communicate – If you needed to use your safe word, could you? If you can’t communicate verbally are you able to communicate another way?
  3. The sounds you make – Have you stopped making sounds you normally would make? Are you being more vocal than usual?
  4. Your body shaking or lack of movement – How does your body normally react to what he is doing? How is it reacting now?
  5. Your eyes – Are you able to focus on him or something in the room?
  6. Your sense of touch – Do you feel the whip as it makes contact? Are you numb? Is your skin overly sensitive?

These are just a handful of signs your Dom may be looking at. I am by no means an expert on the matter. There can be many more and different signs depending on the dynamics of the people involved and the kind of scene they are having.

 

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So, I’ve been on FetLife for a little over two years now and some of the messages I get still surprise me. Even when the messages seem sensible I will go check out their profile and be caught off guard by how different it is from the message. I guess things shouldn’t surprise me since new members are always joining, and there are douches everywhere, but they do.

FetLife is a social network for the kink and BDSM community, not a dating site. There are groups for people looking and yes, people do hook up just like on any regular dating site, but that isn’t the premise of the sight and shouldn’t be the only reason they are there. That isn’t why I am there. It did start out that way though, looking for a threesome with the man I was involved with at the time. I am there to learn, more about me than anything else, and to meet like-minded people.

That doesn’t stop people from joining and sending messages or posting to groups about how they are looking for someone to fuck that night or asking who wants a blowjob. These people aren’t really in the lifestyle, or are genuinely interested but too young and eager. Either way, they will soon learn and calm the fuck down or leave the site because nobody is responding to their eloquent come-ons. In the meantime we still have to deal with their nonsense.

It wasn’t too bad for a while. My profile stated that I was owned and for the most part that kept the riff-raff away. There were some very young men who messaged me but once I responded with a “What do you think being owned means?” they said their little I’m sorry’s and disappeared. Then, just over a week ago I removed the owned status. Not because I don’t still feel owned by MySir, but because he has disengaged and if I left it as it was I would continue to hold back and wait and hope pine over him. It was keeping me from giving other people a chance. I don’t know if he will be back. I don’t know if he wants to or if he’s even capable of it. I love him. I love him but I can’t not live my life because I am waiting for something that may never happen.

After I changed my status a young man sent me a message. He said he was “really interested in talking to you and learn more about you. I am very open, been in bdsm world for many years now, experienced, have had subs in the past. I am very respectful…  know how to treat my girl… I would love to find one girl for long term ongoing.” Then, another message or two and I get “If you know any single sexual kinky girl who wants ongoing i be up for that. If not still love to play with you once be dirty and see how the experience goes.”

My first issue with this message is that he obviously did not read or comprehend the first few sentences on my profile, otherwise he would know that I am not interested in one night stands and casual encounters and would not have suggested such. Second, if he was really interested in talking to me and learning more about me he wouldn’t have asked me to set him up with someone else. If he was truly respectful and knew how to treat a woman he wouldn’t have said the things he did. And, if he is really looking to find that right person for a long term relationship, he sure as hell does not know how to go about it.

There is one profile of a  63 year old “strict master” that takes the cake for me. He “hope(s) to find a relationship” and is “interested in females, sub/sub couples, sub fem/Dom male couples, and willing to entertain other possibilities…. Looks, age, and race are not important. A genuine need to submit and be dominated is…. I can adjust to the needs of the one I am with as long as it is understood that I am in charge totally….  I prefer someone with experience (but) I am willing to train an enthusiastic novice.” There are no photos on his profile and he says it’s because I’m fairly high profile in my community. discursion does not permit me to post a photo.”

What this profile says to me is that he is desperate and will fuck or play with anyone who is interested. Seriously? He has no type? Who does he hope to find a relationship with? The sub fem/Dom male couple? Is a Dom male going to let him be totally in charge? I don’t think so. And I get that some people don’t want to put a picture of themselves up, but put something, anything, that reflects who you are or what you like. Discursion. I’m sure he meant discretion there. We all make mistakes so I won’t pick on that one. I checked his activity and it is a list of short comments on women’s pictures. Cute. Lovely. Attractive. Beautiful. Nice. Quite nice. Very nice. Nice start. Good start…. You get the idea. There were 59 comments like that in the last two hours. Not a way to make one appear genuine and discerning.

I was talking about these and other messages/profiles with a friend who is also on FetLife the other night. He said he doubted these people got any kind of positive response, but if they did he wondered what kind of person would be responding. My thought is that there are as many desperate and insecure women as there are men like these. There are too many women who believe that to be a Dom, or Dominant, means that they should also be arrogant and domineering, and there are too many men who abuse the title of Dominant or assume the title because they are arrogant and domineering. They abuse the title, the role, and the women who fall for their lines.

Being submissive does not mean you need to be a doormat and accept what someone says at face value without doing some homework. It is ok to ask for references. It is ok to be cautious. It is ok to question. It is ok to just say no thank you. It is ok to stand up for yourself, for what you believe and what you want. It is ok to be alone while you wait for what is right. It is more than ok. A good Dom will help you shine brighter, not squash your spirit. They will help guide you and teach you. They will respect and honor you. They will help you become your best self, just as you help them do the same.

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Dungeons and Dommes

I am off to a party this evening.

It’s someone’s birthday, but it isn’t a birthday party. She will be handing out spankings though.

There will be plenty of ladies, but not ladies of the night. Dommes who will happily put you in your slave boy place.

There will be food, but not hot dogs. The wieners and buns will be body parts out for play.

There will be party favours, but not those little loot bags you’re used to. Here will be cuffs and collars and corsets, whips and floggers and crops.

There will be shoes and rugs, but the rugs will be human. Foot fetishists to lick your toes and suck your heels.

There will be men and women, subs and slaves, Doms and Dommes, and a variety of sexy kinksters.

This is a house party, but the house has a dungeon with plenty of toys to play with.

I’m going to a party this evening.

What the hell do I wear?

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