Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘honesty’

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is “trust.” I’ve talked about here a few times previously. Most notable are Trust and When You Can’t Trust Your Body. Take a read if you haven’t already.

When we talk about trust we are most often referring to trust of another. What about trusting ourselves? What about trusting what we want? Truth be told that is what I have the biggest issue with, trusting myself. Oh, I trust that I can take care of my son and ensure he is happy and healthy. I also trust that I am knowledgeable enough to always have job opportunities available to me. What I don’t trust is verbalizing my wants and desires to my partners. Oh, I can do it here no problem. I can let all my bits hang out here. Telling my partners, in person, face to face with no barrier between us, with no ability to delete and rewrite, well that is something different entirely.

Recently, Mr S and I were having some fun and he said something that made me laugh. I didn’t laugh at him or because it was funny. I laughed at myself. I laughed more as a relief than anything else because he had asked me to do something that I enjoy doing, something that I know we would both enjoy, but haven’t in many years. Why haven’t I done it? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe I thought it was something I shouldn’t do, or something my partners wouldn’t like me doing. Maybe it was just because I never asked before. We often leave things unsaid, desires unfulfilled, simply because we don’t want to open ourselves up and be thought less of or be made fun of for having them.We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust that what we want is ok, regardless of what anybody else may think.

I want to be talked dirty to. I want to be called names and told what a slut I am.

I want you to say no so I can beg you for what I want.

I want you to photograph me. I want to see what you see.

I want to be desired.

I want you to use me for your pleasure.

I want to be shared by numerous men. I want you to watch.

I want to be naked and play while others watch.

I want to drive my fake cock into you the way you drive your real one into me. I want to make you my bitch.

I want to queen you.

I want to watch you suck another man’s cock. I want to share one with you.

I want to learn how your body reacts to various stimuli. I want to blindfold you so you only feel and experience without any preconceived notions seeing would give you.

I want you to restrain me and force my orgasm, over and over again.

I don’t want you to stop, even when I beg you to.

I want to be able to express all of these things to you and more. If I can tell you what I want here for the whole world to see, why can’t I do it when you ask, when I am laying naked beside you?

20140828-081311.jpg

Read Full Post »

Mr S said something to me the first time we were intimate that I keep going over in my mind. “I just want to be me.” He said it a few times, “I just want to be me. I just want to be me.”

When it comes down to it isn’t that what we all want, especially us kinky BDSM people, to be ourselves? No pretending we are something we aren’t, no hiding our true nature and desires. Openness and honesty about the whole of ourselves without judgment or shame. Wouldn’t that make life so much easier?

We can be honest. We can be our true selves if we want to be. The first key is, we need to know who our true self is. The second, we also need to be confident enough not to let others thoughts bother us because, let’s face it, people can be mean to one another. We judge others based on our own standards and ideals, our own experiences. We try to make them conform to what we are told is right, something that we can understand. We also put people down who are living the way we wish we could live. That’s the tough one, treating people poorly because they are doing what we only dream of doing.

Think about it.

The service rep at work owns a brand new BMW. Wow, we wish we could buy a new BMW. A new vehicle of any kind is out of our reach at the moment, and possibly forever for a BMW. Are we happy for that rep? No, we aren’t. We somehow find a way to put him down for having a new car. We talk about how it must be nice to live at home with Mommy and spend our money on frivolous things. Little do we know, he’s the one who bought his mother her house and before the new car he took the bus or walked to save money so he could buy her that house.

The mean girl from high school just married her second husband while we sit at home alone with no prospects in sight. Why would anyone marry her? You are a much better person that she could ever be. Does he know about what a bitch she was to her fellow classmates, or how she used to make out with a lot of different guys behind the bleachers? Forget that high school was thirty years ago or that you are alone because you don’t have enough self-confidence to go out socializing with your friends. You choose to stay home alone instead.

When we meet someone and start a relationship with them, regardless how casual or serious that relationship may be, we too often fall into that trap of judging or shaming. …You’ve had how many sex partners? You tried what? That’s disgusting, how could you ever do that? You were with her and now you want to be with me? That’s a big step down don’t you think? I can’t begin to compare to her beauty…

We should be thankful for the lives our partners had before us rather than judge them for it. Truth is, if it weren’t for those partners before you, or those experiences, they wouldn’t be the person they are now and this is the person you like. So rather than being all judgmental about their past you should be thankful for it. After all, you had a past too didn’t you? You learned how to do that thing with your tongue from that guy you met at that bar in Texas ten years ago. You’re a fantastic cock worshipper because you’ve had a lot of experience at it over the years. Those are two things he really enjoys you doing. If you hadn’t had those past experiences you wouldn’t be doing those things for him today.

We’ve all had moments of insecurity, that’s natural. Letting that insecurity settle and build isn’t. If I was insecure about myself I could never have had some of the relationships or experiences I have had. And although all weren’t good relationships or experiences, they all played a part in making me the person I am today. I have the second key firmly in hand. The first? I know who I am today, but as I continue to live and learn and grow my true self will be ever evolving.

“I just want to be me.” That statement made my heart twinge a little when he said it. I thought maybe he never has been just himself, as he is, who he is, without filters and masks. Maybe he has always played the part of the man he was expected to be. Or maybe he tried being honest about his true nature and desires but was judged or shamed into denying it. Maybe he feared how people would respond and denied himself.

“I just want to be me.” I just want you to be you.

Read Full Post »

Honesty

Honesty. I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. It’s the one thing, above all else, that I have always asked of and expected of my partners. Sadly it seems to be the one thing none have been capable of thus far. Why is this? Why is honesty so difficult to provide? Is it because they tell me what they think I want to hear? Or because they don’t want to admit certain truths to themselves? Or to me? Maybe it’s a combination. Maybe there is more to it. I don’t know but I wish I could figure it out.

I don’t just ask for honesty, I give it too. I strive to be as open and honest as possible in every aspect of my life. No, I don’t shout from the rooftops that I am a kinky submissive, but I don’t hide that fact either. And even though I don’t talk to my family about it I’m certain they know to some degree. My mom’s seen things. She isn’t stupid. My brother has ransacked my things trying to find, I don’t know, something he’s misplaced or money to buy more. He’s never mentioned the private things of mine he’s found, even though I know he’s come across them.

I am honest with my partners when they ask me things. I tell them my desires. I share stories of my past. Maybe I am too honest. Maybe because they are still holding back, or because they are used to women holding back, they think that the truths I share are only part if my story. They think I am keeping something more to myself so they keep secrets from me as well.

I don’t care what the reason is I just want it to stop. No, I do care. I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t care to know. So tell me. Why is it so difficult for people to be honest with one another?

Read Full Post »

Smut Marathon

Dare to challenge yourself... take a deep breath and start writing!

Exposing40

Friends. Photography. Adventure.

Steeled Snake

Reality Check on Chivalry, FLR/M, Kink, Chastity and Life ~ 21 and older only

The Other Livvy

My secret alter ego...

%d bloggers like this: