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Posts Tagged ‘my spirit’

I give people the benefit of the doubt more often than I should. I don’t know why but I’d rather be too trusting, believe the best of people, than to assume the worst and be shown better later. Naive? Maybe. Better for my spirit? I don’t know. Seems I believe in people I shouldn’t, people who are deliberately dishonest, far too often than my fragile heart can handle.

I am also one of those people who jumps heart first into relationships. If I like you, I’ll tell you. If I want you, I’ll tell you. If you make my panties wet, I will tell you that too. If I love you, I will without a doubt tell you. I see no reason in holding back. Why should I? Why should anyone?

I told a girlfriend of mine the other day that I would rather have my heart broken a million times than to never love at all. It’s true. There is a line in a song that says, “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.” And another song that says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” If we don’t put ourselves out there we will never find love and happiness. If we aren’t willing to risk getting hurt we will never find love. If we spend our time trying to keep ourselves from pain and heartache we will miss out on a whole lot of wonderful experiences.

What I need to do is stop putting my everything into something that isn’t right, with someone who doesn’t love me like I love them. The problem is they say the right things and do the right things until one day when I suddenly realize it was just an act or some kind of twisted game and the joke’s on me. I can be a downright fool at times. Especially when it comes to men.

I give chances time and again and still end up in the same spot. No more second chances, and sure as hell no more third chances, because I learned today that nothing you can say or do will ever change the fact of how hurt and broken I became following your actions and lies. Me believing you let me live without pain. It let me have hope. Finding out it was all lies hurt more today than the hell I went through when you disappeared last year. It hurt more because I had hope this time, because I told you I loved you and I meant it.

If I ask you something straight up and you lie to me, I’m done. If you can’t follow your words with corresponding actions, I’m done. Simple. I can’t keep getting my heart broken by a man who does not deserve my heart and my love.

I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart that had once been filled with hopes and dreams of a life with you. A hole I never knew was there until it had been filled.

I won’t stop loving or caring for people. I won’t stop jumping in and giving everything I have. I won’t stop believing in people. I just can’t believe in you any longer. I am not your Babydoll. I am not your Pet. You, are not MySir.

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So, I’ve been thinking about something for the past few days and the more I think about it the madder it makes me. Why do people try to crush you and beat you down? Why do they try to change you or make you “drink the Kool-Aid” and get in line like everyone else? It happens all the time. It happens in relationships and it happens at work. I just can’t figure out why.

You meet a man and he likes the smart independent woman you are. That is what draws him to you. He says that he loves that about you, he loves your free spirit and how you make him want to be more like you. He says he never wants to change that. Well, until he does. Until he tries to squash your spirit. Until he tries to turn you into a good little housewife who does whatever he wants and doesn’t question things. You don’t need to work and have a sense of independence. He figures he should be able to do whatever he wants while you sit around at home waiting for him, and on him, and lose all your friends and sense of self. Then, when he thinks he has you all fit into a nice little hole you surprise him by being the person you were to begin with. You stand up for yourself and you figure things out, and you leave.

You have a job interview and the person interviewing you asks if you have children. You tell her she isn’t allowed to ask that question in an interview. You leave thinking your not in the running for that job. Try not to be quite so blunt next time. Then they call and offer you the position. Yay, they liked that you stood up for yourself and your rights. Then you find out that she thought she could mold you into a good little worker bee who will do whatever she asks of you. She thinks that you will listen to her even when what she asks is ethically wrong. Turns out other people were on to her and she got the axe. Good riddance on that one.

Another interview comes along. You are told in the interview that you are over qualified for the position and the controller does not know why they are even bothering to interview you. You tell them you are looking for a better work life balance and this position will allow you to have more time with your child. They ask you how you work with others and if you have any problems dealing with upper management on a regular basis. You tell them you have no problem with that. You say that it doesn’t matter whether you own the building or sweep the floors of it, everyone is treated the same, as people. They end up offering you the job. They must have liked your attitude and candor. Great! Yeah, not so great. You end up getting reprimanded for making a complimentary remark to one of the upper management guys. (Not a complimentary “I think your hot” kind of way or anything. Just a remark about how it’s nice to see him with the rest of the management team.) You shouldn’t be so personal with them you are told. It doesn’t look good. Really? I guess it doesn’t look good when the rest of the company operates under fear of upper management and you don’t. Sorry to be the person I was when you interviewed me. I am never going to drink your Kool-Aid.

I just don’t understand why these things happen, why you are praised for certain characteristics you have and then told to change them. Why can’t people let other people be themselves? Do they feel so insecure about themselves that they have to crush your spirits in order to make themselves appear better or stronger? Do they think somebody else will see the same things in you and try to steal you away? Do they think you are going to get further ahead than them?

I don’t know. I realize I should just let it go but I can’t. It irks me so. Don’t tell me you like me the way I am, you want somebody like me, you need somebody like me, then do everything you can to change me.

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