Posts Tagged ‘needs’

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is “trust.” I’ve talked about here a few times previously. Most notable are Trust and When You Can’t Trust Your Body. Take a read if you haven’t already.

When we talk about trust we are most often referring to trust of another. What about trusting ourselves? What about trusting what we want? Truth be told that is what I have the biggest issue with, trusting myself. Oh, I trust that I can take care of my son and ensure he is happy and healthy. I also trust that I am knowledgeable enough to always have job opportunities available to me. What I don’t trust is verbalizing my wants and desires to my partners. Oh, I can do it here no problem. I can let all my bits hang out here. Telling my partners, in person, face to face with no barrier between us, with no ability to delete and rewrite, well that is something different entirely.

Recently, Mr S and I were having some fun and he said something that made me laugh. I didn’t laugh at him or because it was funny. I laughed at myself. I laughed more as a relief than anything else because he had asked me to do something that I enjoy doing, something that I know we would both enjoy, but haven’t in many years. Why haven’t I done it? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe I thought it was something I shouldn’t do, or something my partners wouldn’t like me doing. Maybe it was just because I never asked before. We often leave things unsaid, desires unfulfilled, simply because we don’t want to open ourselves up and be thought less of or be made fun of for having them.We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust that what we want is ok, regardless of what anybody else may think.

I want to be talked dirty to. I want to be called names and told what a slut I am.

I want you to say no so I can beg you for what I want.

I want you to photograph me. I want to see what you see.

I want to be desired.

I want you to use me for your pleasure.

I want to be shared by numerous men. I want you to watch.

I want to be naked and play while others watch.

I want to drive my fake cock into you the way you drive your real one into me. I want to make you my bitch.

I want to queen you.

I want to watch you suck another man’s cock. I want to share one with you.

I want to learn how your body reacts to various stimuli. I want to blindfold you so you only feel and experience without any preconceived notions seeing would give you.

I want you to restrain me and force my orgasm, over and over again.

I don’t want you to stop, even when I beg you to.

I want to be able to express all of these things to you and more. If I can tell you what I want here for the whole world to see, why can’t I do it when you ask, when I am laying naked beside you?


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I did it. Finally. After more than a week without Him, even longer of him not having me do it, I masturbated. Late the other night, or rather very early the next morning, I pulled out a couple clips and a vibrator and gave myself an orgasm. And even though I am hard pressed to remember the last time I did that, it still took a while.

I wasn’t horny or already wet and excited. I wasn’t led by His words. I wasn’t even feeling like I wanted to. What I was feeling was a need to, an overwhelming need to let go. It wasn’t about pleasure or exploration, it was about releasing the tension and angst I’d been carrying. It was also, quite possibly, about turning off my brain and getting some sleep.

Sure I’ve had orgasms, great orgasms, recently but having them given to you by a very capable man is far different from getting yourself off, especially when you aren’t even in the mood. So why masturbate when you aren’t in the mood? Well, why would you go to work when you don’t feel like it? Same thing. Sometimes it’s something you have to do. Sometimes it’s just a means to an end. So, after laying in bed for hours, my mind wandering and wondering about things, I decided that an orgasm was in order. I wasn’t thinking about how good it would feel, how turned on I would be when my wetness began to coat my bits. I was thinking that it would release the tension that was built up and relax me enough to get more than an hour or two of sleep.

I first put my hand between my legs, pushing, testing. Nothing. I took a couple clips and my big blue vibrator out of the bedside table. At first I just tried the vibrator, leaving the clips to the side. That didn’t work either. The vibrations on my clit weren’t exciting or pleasurable, because I wasn’t really in the mood. I then took the clips to my nipples. I hadn’t tried that at first because I wasn’t in the mood to play to have a truly enjoyable experience. I just wanted to get it done and over with. Once I attached the clips though, my cunt almost instantly responded with a trickle of wetness. I should have known better and went for the clips right off the bat. I was being resistant though, I was fighting it.

Once the wetness came I thought I was home free and the orgasm would quickly come. How wrong I can be at times. It was still stubborn and elusive. I wasn’t going to give up though. That would have just made me feel worse and I didn’t feel like crying myself to sleep again. I left the clips on and kept the vibrator working on my clit, gently moving it around and around trying to make it give in and give me an orgasm. I pushed it down to my opening, getting it slick and glistening before moving it back to my clit. I used my other hand to spread my lips, leaving my little nub open and vulnerable. The vibrator, now well lubricated, moved again over my clit. Slowly I began to feel the familiar tingling and as I thought about it it began to wane, to pull back and shy away once again.

Damn it! I needed this. Maybe too much and that was the problem. I was still thinking too much, feeling too much. I had to stop and just let it happen. I closed my eyes and thought about His hands on me, His fingers splaying me and His tongue teasing my clit. Finally my body reacted like I knew it could. My clit ignited, my body bucked and trembled, and my cunt did a few back flips as the dam burst.

It felt… good, fine. Honestly, it wasn’t the stars the moon and fireworks. It was more relief and satisfaction, which was exactly what I was going for. I didn’t even take time to savour it, to let myself enjoy those wonderful contractions and sensations that always linger at the surface. Once the orgasm was reached and my body made its last big twitch I threw the vibrator aside, rolled over, and went to sleep. I slept all night. ALL NIGHT. Waking up the next morning rested and realizing that I had slept through the night, that was the big finish.


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I couldn’t very well let the 100th Wicked Wednesday go by without a word now could I? I hadn’t intended on posting this piece for Wicked Wednesday but being the prompt is “full circle” I thought my orgasm, or the big O as some call it, story was a good fit. Congratulations to Marie on reaching this milestone on the wonderful Wicked Wednesday meme. This marks my 76th entry to Wicked Wednesday. 76 out of 100. Not too shabby. I look forward to the next 100 prompts.


Wicked Wednesday


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