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Posts Tagged ‘open relationships’

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I believe we are capable of loving more than one person at a time and having committed relationships with each of them. As with any relationship though, the key to making it work is open and honest communication with everyone. You can have a primary partner, many would have a legal spouse with another committed relationship or relationships, but you have to be honest and forthcoming with each of them. There’s no other way.

Jealousy should never be a problem. When you realize that you are all important parts of the whole, that you are not more or less than any other, that loving one someone else doesn’t take away from the love that they have for you, jealousy becomes a non issue.

It was described to me this way once. A couple has a child. That child is loved and cared for by her parents. Everything is wonderful. Then the couple has more children. Each child is loved and cared for by their parents. Everything is still wonderful. We can have intimate relationships like this as well. We already have friendships like this don’t we? We each have more than one friend that is there for us when we need them, that we care about and support in their life as well. Why should that be different when the relationship is that of lover rather than that of friend? Your lovers should be your friends. If they aren’t they won’t last.

Somebody else tried to put it to me something like this… He said that over the years he has played, without the sex component, with many women. During a scene he would often time become excited and turned on but would never move on to something sexual because he was in a committed relationship. To him, being poly meant that he could continue the play with sex if they both wanted to. If you know anything about polyamorous relationships you know that what he described isn’t poly, it is an open relationship. Putting the term poly on it for him made it seem ok, even though it IS NOT POLY.

Another non-poly lifestyle that people try to lump in with it is swinging. Being swingers is not being poly. You can be in polyamorous relationships and swing with your partners, but that is an addition to not an included with and still, every partner needs to be aware and supportive of the swinging. Not everything in life needs to be, or can be, made into some super sized combo where every side that is available is added.

Many people jump on the polyamorous bandwagon because they think it is a free pass to fuck around with whomever they want, whenever they want. That is not what poly is. If you are in a relationship and going behind your partners back to have sexual relations with other people you are not being polyamorous, you are cheating. If she knows about it and supports you in your extracurricular activities it is an open relationship, but still not poly.

Forcing your partner, or partners, to do things they don’t want to do or to accept things they aren’t comfortable with is abuse regardless of what label you put on it.

Polyamory is about more than sex, it is about relationships, and not just your relationships with your partners but also their relationships with each other. It all has to work and it takes a lot of work to build and maintain those relationships. It is about supporting each other, loving each other, no matter what. As with any relationship your sex life will have its ebbs and flows. Love is the reason people have polyamorous relationships, not sex. Love is not sex. Sex is not love. (I’m sure you knew that already but it had to be said.)


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Once a cheater, always a cheater.

We’ve all heard the saying. Usually it comes from some hurt spouse or ex-spouse. Though I have heard this from a man it is most often heard from a woman, either a girlfriend, wife, or disgruntled mistress. Some people are convinced it is absolute truth while others believe people can change or learn from a mistake, that we evolve as we grow older and grow up. Which group do I fall in? A bit of both actually.

There are as many “reasons” people cheat as there are cheaters, and cheating once does not mean you will become a chronic cheater.

I have one friend, more of an acquaintance these days actually, who has cheated on every boyfriend she’s ever had except for one. He was the one man she truly loved when she was younger and he cheated on her. He broke her heart. She cheated on the next man she dated and every man after that. She fell into a life of cheating so that she wouldn’t end up being the one cheated on again. That’s the gist of it I’m to believe. She told me once that it was difficult the first time but the more she did it the easier it became. Now it doesn’t even click with her that she is doing something wrong, it is just who she is.

There is also the case of an extended family member of mine who cheated on his wife with a woman for nearly two years. Initially a drunken one night stand, the woman basically blackmailed him into continuing the affair by threatening to tell his wife if he didn’t. This is the story he told. I don’t tend to believe it, for several reasons. A one night mistake can be forgiven but an ongoing two year “relationship” is much harder to forgive. Also, the truth will always come out eventually. Always. Especially when one is living in a town of less than 7,000 people. Regardless, it happened and his wife found out (the woman told her anyway) and rather than leave him she decided to retire to be with him all the time so that it wouldn’t happen again. What do you think the chances of them living happily ever after are?

Then there is seven year man who thinks it’s his right to have sex with whomever he wants regardless of whether he’s married or in a relationship or not. He was married for ten years before he met me. He cheated on his wife with me (which, for the record, I never knew until we were moving in together). He also cheated on her many other times before me, enough that they attended marriage counseling on several different occasions. Needless to say, he also cheated on me and the woman he married after me.

One of the things I learned from most of the cheaters I’ve known is that sex isn’t usually the real issue. Yes, it can be that they just want to fuck every man or woman in sight, but most often it is used as an excuse to cover some other problem, or conceived problem, that they do not know how to handle. My female friend was badly hurt and does not want to be hurt again. Rather than confronting that issue and overcoming it she cheats so that he will leave her before she falls deeply for him and he has a chance to hurt her. Another male friend cheated on his wife because he was lacking support and an emotional connection from her. Rather working on his marriage he found what he was missing with someone else.

I recall an incident with co-workers many years back. They were both married to other people and although they never physically cheated he emotionally cheated. She thought that they were just being good friends but then he started sharing all the things with her that he should have been sharing with his wife. He didn’t even realize it was an issue himself until his wife threatened to leave if he didn’t stop seeing the girl at work. Eventually he left the company so that he could save his marriage and they would no longer have to work with each other.

Seven year man was different from most in the respect that he came from a long line of cheaters. His father cheated on his mother, his grandfather on his grandmother. He was also an egotistical narcissist who thought he was gods gift to women. Even though he seeked counseling in his first marriage he never truly believed he was doing anything wrong and therefore never learned anything from it. He did it to appease his wife. He was not really husband material, and definitely not worth the pain and tears that were shed over him. I remember him saying he was afraid of dying alone but in the end I believe that is exactly how he will be, alone.

I’ve been the woman cheated on and the one who did the cheating. Yes, I have cheated, but only once. After seven year man and I had moved in together he was constantly having to meet with his ex-wife to finalize the divorce and such. She was finding any excuse she could to see him and he didn’t see it. Or maybe he did and that egotistical narcissist part of him made him go anyway. Then he would be away at work weeks on end, returning home barely one weekend a month. I was young and naïve and fed up with being left at home alone and went out drinking one night with girlfriends. There was a young man who had a thing for me and we often flirted. This night I let him bring me home and invited him in. I knew it was wrong and I was basically acting out, one of those “I’ll show him” moments. I regretted it even before it was over and have never cheated since.

One mistake does not define you. What you do after, how you move on from it, does.

Over the years since seven year man I have done quite a bit of dating and had a few longer term relationships. Have I had sexual relations with men other than my partner? Yes. Have my partners had relations with women other than me? Yes. The difference now though is that it is an open and honest thing, rather than something that is lied about or hidden from the other partner.

It isn’t about just going out and screwing around with someone, it’s about being honest with each other, working through any issues we may have, and taking an opportunity to meet a need or desire with our partners permission and understanding. It is about wanting our partners to have an exciting and fulfilling experience even when we can’t be the one to give it to them. We can play with other people as long as we agree to it before hand and share our experiences with each other. If we were to do it and then ask if it were ok, that would be cheating. If we were to do it without the other persons knowledge or permission, that would be cheating.

MySir lives 600 miles away. We have to be able to communicate openly and honestly and we need to trust each other in order for a relationship to work with that distance between us. We have to be together in our thoughts and actions regarding our relationship with each other. I tell him about every opportunity that comes up even when it is something I may not be interested in. I don’t do it to say hey, people want to be with me, I do it so that he is never in the dark about anything going on in my life. I also tell him because he may see something in the opportunity that he would like me to experience.

It works for us and I believe it could work for many others if they weren’t so close minded and insecure.

What do you believe? Once a cheater, always a cheater?

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