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Mr S said something to me the first time we were intimate that I keep going over in my mind. “I just want to be me.” He said it a few times, “I just want to be me. I just want to be me.”

When it comes down to it isn’t that what we all want, especially us kinky BDSM people, to be ourselves? No pretending we are something we aren’t, no hiding our true nature and desires. Openness and honesty about the whole of ourselves without judgment or shame. Wouldn’t that make life so much easier?

We can be honest. We can be our true selves if we want to be. The first key is, we need to know who our true self is. The second, we also need to be confident enough not to let others thoughts bother us because, let’s face it, people can be mean to one another. We judge others based on our own standards and ideals, our own experiences. We try to make them conform to what we are told is right, something that we can understand. We also put people down who are living the way we wish we could live. That’s the tough one, treating people poorly because they are doing what we only dream of doing.

Think about it.

The service rep at work owns a brand new BMW. Wow, we wish we could buy a new BMW. A new vehicle of any kind is out of our reach at the moment, and possibly forever for a BMW. Are we happy for that rep? No, we aren’t. We somehow find a way to put him down for having a new car. We talk about how it must be nice to live at home with Mommy and spend our money on frivolous things. Little do we know, he’s the one who bought his mother her house and before the new car he took the bus or walked to save money so he could buy her that house.

The mean girl from high school just married her second husband while we sit at home alone with no prospects in sight. Why would anyone marry her? You are a much better person that she could ever be. Does he know about what a bitch she was to her fellow classmates, or how she used to make out with a lot of different guys behind the bleachers? Forget that high school was thirty years ago or that you are alone because you don’t have enough self-confidence to go out socializing with your friends. You choose to stay home alone instead.

When we meet someone and start a relationship with them, regardless how casual or serious that relationship may be, we too often fall into that trap of judging or shaming. …You’ve had how many sex partners? You tried what? That’s disgusting, how could you ever do that? You were with her and now you want to be with me? That’s a big step down don’t you think? I can’t begin to compare to her beauty…

We should be thankful for the lives our partners had before us rather than judge them for it. Truth is, if it weren’t for those partners before you, or those experiences, they wouldn’t be the person they are now and this is the person you like. So rather than being all judgmental about their past you should be thankful for it. After all, you had a past too didn’t you? You learned how to do that thing with your tongue from that guy you met at that bar in Texas ten years ago. You’re a fantastic cock worshipper because you’ve had a lot of experience at it over the years. Those are two things he really enjoys you doing. If you hadn’t had those past experiences you wouldn’t be doing those things for him today.

We’ve all had moments of insecurity, that’s natural. Letting that insecurity settle and build isn’t. If I was insecure about myself I could never have had some of the relationships or experiences I have had. And although all weren’t good relationships or experiences, they all played a part in making me the person I am today. I have the second key firmly in hand. The first? I know who I am today, but as I continue to live and learn and grow my true self will be ever evolving.

“I just want to be me.” That statement made my heart twinge a little when he said it. I thought maybe he never has been just himself, as he is, who he is, without filters and masks. Maybe he has always played the part of the man he was expected to be. Or maybe he tried being honest about his true nature and desires but was judged or shamed into denying it. Maybe he feared how people would respond and denied himself.

“I just want to be me.” I just want you to be you.

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I give people the benefit of the doubt more often than I should. I don’t know why but I’d rather be too trusting, believe the best of people, than to assume the worst and be shown better later. Naive? Maybe. Better for my spirit? I don’t know. Seems I believe in people I shouldn’t, people who are deliberately dishonest, far too often than my fragile heart can handle.

I am also one of those people who jumps heart first into relationships. If I like you, I’ll tell you. If I want you, I’ll tell you. If you make my panties wet, I will tell you that too. If I love you, I will without a doubt tell you. I see no reason in holding back. Why should I? Why should anyone?

I told a girlfriend of mine the other day that I would rather have my heart broken a million times than to never love at all. It’s true. There is a line in a song that says, “I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all.” And another song that says, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” If we don’t put ourselves out there we will never find love and happiness. If we aren’t willing to risk getting hurt we will never find love. If we spend our time trying to keep ourselves from pain and heartache we will miss out on a whole lot of wonderful experiences.

What I need to do is stop putting my everything into something that isn’t right, with someone who doesn’t love me like I love them. The problem is they say the right things and do the right things until one day when I suddenly realize it was just an act or some kind of twisted game and the joke’s on me. I can be a downright fool at times. Especially when it comes to men.

I give chances time and again and still end up in the same spot. No more second chances, and sure as hell no more third chances, because I learned today that nothing you can say or do will ever change the fact of how hurt and broken I became following your actions and lies. Me believing you let me live without pain. It let me have hope. Finding out it was all lies hurt more today than the hell I went through when you disappeared last year. It hurt more because I had hope this time, because I told you I loved you and I meant it.

If I ask you something straight up and you lie to me, I’m done. If you can’t follow your words with corresponding actions, I’m done. Simple. I can’t keep getting my heart broken by a man who does not deserve my heart and my love.

I sit here writing this with tears in my eyes and a hole in my heart that had once been filled with hopes and dreams of a life with you. A hole I never knew was there until it had been filled.

I won’t stop loving or caring for people. I won’t stop jumping in and giving everything I have. I won’t stop believing in people. I just can’t believe in you any longer. I am not your Babydoll. I am not your Pet. You, are not MySir.

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I believe we are capable of loving more than one person at a time and having committed relationships with each of them. As with any relationship though, the key to making it work is open and honest communication with everyone. You can have a primary partner, many would have a legal spouse with another committed relationship or relationships, but you have to be honest and forthcoming with each of them. There’s no other way.

Jealousy should never be a problem. When you realize that you are all important parts of the whole, that you are not more or less than any other, that loving one someone else doesn’t take away from the love that they have for you, jealousy becomes a non issue.

It was described to me this way once. A couple has a child. That child is loved and cared for by her parents. Everything is wonderful. Then the couple has more children. Each child is loved and cared for by their parents. Everything is still wonderful. We can have intimate relationships like this as well. We already have friendships like this don’t we? We each have more than one friend that is there for us when we need them, that we care about and support in their life as well. Why should that be different when the relationship is that of lover rather than that of friend? Your lovers should be your friends. If they aren’t they won’t last.

Somebody else tried to put it to me something like this… He said that over the years he has played, without the sex component, with many women. During a scene he would often time become excited and turned on but would never move on to something sexual because he was in a committed relationship. To him, being poly meant that he could continue the play with sex if they both wanted to. If you know anything about polyamorous relationships you know that what he described isn’t poly, it is an open relationship. Putting the term poly on it for him made it seem ok, even though it IS NOT POLY.

Another non-poly lifestyle that people try to lump in with it is swinging. Being swingers is not being poly. You can be in polyamorous relationships and swing with your partners, but that is an addition to not an included with and still, every partner needs to be aware and supportive of the swinging. Not everything in life needs to be, or can be, made into some super sized combo where every side that is available is added.

Many people jump on the polyamorous bandwagon because they think it is a free pass to fuck around with whomever they want, whenever they want. That is not what poly is. If you are in a relationship and going behind your partners back to have sexual relations with other people you are not being polyamorous, you are cheating. If she knows about it and supports you in your extracurricular activities it is an open relationship, but still not poly.

Forcing your partner, or partners, to do things they don’t want to do or to accept things they aren’t comfortable with is abuse regardless of what label you put on it.

Polyamory is about more than sex, it is about relationships, and not just your relationships with your partners but also their relationships with each other. It all has to work and it takes a lot of work to build and maintain those relationships. It is about supporting each other, loving each other, no matter what. As with any relationship your sex life will have its ebbs and flows. Love is the reason people have polyamorous relationships, not sex. Love is not sex. Sex is not love. (I’m sure you knew that already but it had to be said.)


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I’ve been thinking about a part if my life I lived many moons ago. The memories sometimes feeling like they happened to another person in another time, sometimes feeling like I lived them just yesterday. The only thing for certain is that I am reminded of them nearly every day. This picture was taken on my way home from picking up my son after work on Thursday. I see it every morning I drop him off at daycare and every evening when I pick him up. Just a tree. Nothing special. Except, it is very special to me and it will be gone soon.

My first love grew up in the house right across the street from this tree. The first time I made love was to him, in that house. I went to tell him I loved him in that house. When I couldn’t deny it any longer, when I had to tell him or I’d burst. I was 17. I thought we’d make love again. We didn’t. Instead, he told me that he had met someone else and it was over with me. I never got to tell him that I loved him. I was completely heartbroken. I left that house, practically ran out of it in tears. I made it across the street to this tree before I broke down, sitting on the ground leaning against this tree and sobbing. I don’t know how long I was there before someone came to take me home. The sun had fallen and shadows crept across the grounds. It seemed the world had shifted, that it had become as sad and gloomy as I.

The person who helped pick me up and get me home was his father. A wonderful man. He passed away on Thursday. Maybe that’s why I stopped when passing this tree, remembering not just the heartbreak I felt at that moment in time but also the kindness of a man who barely knew me then but who would come to mean very much to me in the years that followed. Tomorrow we will celebrate his life and put him to rest. Then on Monday I will watch as the city removes this broken tree, leaving another void that will never be the same.

 

A different kind of sinful for a different kind of Sunday.

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Looking around she was saddened to see how barren the land had become. Over the years she had watched as the lush, dense forest slowly retreated around them. There had once been a forest full of trees just like her and her steadfast companion. They had grown together, the two of them, to become as one.

There was a young boy in the farmhouse across the street who, for a long time, thought they were one tree. From his vantage he wasn’t able to decipher their two trunks or which limbs belonged to each of them. One day, shortly after starting school in town, he had walked down his lane to catch the bus. He was early. Too early to just sit and wait for the bus. Besides, he was a young boy and that meant staying still often took much more effort than he could muster all on his own. He dropped his bag to the ground then walked across the main road to climb the big tree. He was surprised to find that the big tree was really two separate trees that had been growing closely together. He stopped in his tracks and looked up at the trees, not quite believing what he was seeing. While he stood there, mouth open in aw, the bus arrived and took him off to school.

That was many moons ago. That young boy had grown up and had a family of his own. Those children had also grown up and had children of their own, along with another two generations. That young boy passed away, it that farmhouse across the street, a dozen years ago. He was 93, a great-great-grandfather. Mother nature mourned his passing along with his family and friends. Her tears fell from the heavens, soaking everything, flooding the farmhouse basement. They young boy, who was in actuality not a young boy, had been the last resident of the farmhouse. Everyone stopped visiting after he had passed. They abandoned the derelict old farmhouse and left it to rot.

She had been so saddened by this herself, the passing of the young boy and the abandonment of the farm. Nothing was really the same after that and now other things were changing. She had stood strong all these years, bending with the winds but never breaking. She had grown a great display of branches and produced what one could consider generations of leaves. Now she was nearing her end of existence.

Her steadfast companion was no longer. He had succumbed to a slow and terrible death after being struck by lightning and loosing one of his large major branches. He had always been there with her, side by side, shielding her from the brutal northern winds. He was no longer able to protect her and there were no other trees around to help fill that void and need in her life. Because of this, she too was dying. Just as the young boy had passed, she too was dying from old age and loneliness. It was merely a matter of time.

 

 

 

This week Marie asked us to write from the point of view of the last tree standing in the forest. This is what came to my mind. The picture above is of what I call my trees. This pair of trees sits in the middle of a field that I pass when driving to or from the cottage. I am always captivated by the beauty of nature and the way these two trees look like one large tree from the right angle. I took this picture, showing the two distinct and separate trees, to remind me of how well two people who compliment each other in the right ways can bring out a beauty in each other that you can not see otherwise. It also shows how two people can me thought of as one when in a relationship.


Clink the link below to read other’s takes on the challenge.



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So, I’ve been on FetLife for a little over two years now and some of the messages I get still surprise me. Even when the messages seem sensible I will go check out their profile and be caught off guard by how different it is from the message. I guess things shouldn’t surprise me since new members are always joining, and there are douches everywhere, but they do.

FetLife is a social network for the kink and BDSM community, not a dating site. There are groups for people looking and yes, people do hook up just like on any regular dating site, but that isn’t the premise of the sight and shouldn’t be the only reason they are there. That isn’t why I am there. It did start out that way though, looking for a threesome with the man I was involved with at the time. I am there to learn, more about me than anything else, and to meet like-minded people.

That doesn’t stop people from joining and sending messages or posting to groups about how they are looking for someone to fuck that night or asking who wants a blowjob. These people aren’t really in the lifestyle, or are genuinely interested but too young and eager. Either way, they will soon learn and calm the fuck down or leave the site because nobody is responding to their eloquent come-ons. In the meantime we still have to deal with their nonsense.

It wasn’t too bad for a while. My profile stated that I was owned and for the most part that kept the riff-raff away. There were some very young men who messaged me but once I responded with a “What do you think being owned means?” they said their little I’m sorry’s and disappeared. Then, just over a week ago I removed the owned status. Not because I don’t still feel owned by MySir, but because he has disengaged and if I left it as it was I would continue to hold back and wait and hope pine over him. It was keeping me from giving other people a chance. I don’t know if he will be back. I don’t know if he wants to or if he’s even capable of it. I love him. I love him but I can’t not live my life because I am waiting for something that may never happen.

After I changed my status a young man sent me a message. He said he was “really interested in talking to you and learn more about you. I am very open, been in bdsm world for many years now, experienced, have had subs in the past. I am very respectful…  know how to treat my girl… I would love to find one girl for long term ongoing.” Then, another message or two and I get “If you know any single sexual kinky girl who wants ongoing i be up for that. If not still love to play with you once be dirty and see how the experience goes.”

My first issue with this message is that he obviously did not read or comprehend the first few sentences on my profile, otherwise he would know that I am not interested in one night stands and casual encounters and would not have suggested such. Second, if he was really interested in talking to me and learning more about me he wouldn’t have asked me to set him up with someone else. If he was truly respectful and knew how to treat a woman he wouldn’t have said the things he did. And, if he is really looking to find that right person for a long term relationship, he sure as hell does not know how to go about it.

There is one profile of a  63 year old “strict master” that takes the cake for me. He “hope(s) to find a relationship” and is “interested in females, sub/sub couples, sub fem/Dom male couples, and willing to entertain other possibilities…. Looks, age, and race are not important. A genuine need to submit and be dominated is…. I can adjust to the needs of the one I am with as long as it is understood that I am in charge totally….  I prefer someone with experience (but) I am willing to train an enthusiastic novice.” There are no photos on his profile and he says it’s because I’m fairly high profile in my community. discursion does not permit me to post a photo.”

What this profile says to me is that he is desperate and will fuck or play with anyone who is interested. Seriously? He has no type? Who does he hope to find a relationship with? The sub fem/Dom male couple? Is a Dom male going to let him be totally in charge? I don’t think so. And I get that some people don’t want to put a picture of themselves up, but put something, anything, that reflects who you are or what you like. Discursion. I’m sure he meant discretion there. We all make mistakes so I won’t pick on that one. I checked his activity and it is a list of short comments on women’s pictures. Cute. Lovely. Attractive. Beautiful. Nice. Quite nice. Very nice. Nice start. Good start…. You get the idea. There were 59 comments like that in the last two hours. Not a way to make one appear genuine and discerning.

I was talking about these and other messages/profiles with a friend who is also on FetLife the other night. He said he doubted these people got any kind of positive response, but if they did he wondered what kind of person would be responding. My thought is that there are as many desperate and insecure women as there are men like these. There are too many women who believe that to be a Dom, or Dominant, means that they should also be arrogant and domineering, and there are too many men who abuse the title of Dominant or assume the title because they are arrogant and domineering. They abuse the title, the role, and the women who fall for their lines.

Being submissive does not mean you need to be a doormat and accept what someone says at face value without doing some homework. It is ok to ask for references. It is ok to be cautious. It is ok to question. It is ok to just say no thank you. It is ok to stand up for yourself, for what you believe and what you want. It is ok to be alone while you wait for what is right. It is more than ok. A good Dom will help you shine brighter, not squash your spirit. They will help guide you and teach you. They will respect and honor you. They will help you become your best self, just as you help them do the same.

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Victor and Tasha have to wait another week. I had started the next post in the series but things, as often happens in my life, got in the way. I was quite sick with bronchitis and am just beginning to feel halfway normal again. The coughing is dying down and everything no longer feels like I was punched in it.

On to my actual Wicked Wednesday post for the week…

In the vanilla world there’s this rule about dating a friends ex. Don’t do it. Simple. It’s a rule I’ve always followed and one that has caused the end of more than one friendship between some of my friends. Now, in my new wonderfully kinky life and community, this rule doesn’t really apply. Actually, the rule is more like don’t play with someone you can’t get references for. Which basically means if you don’t know someone who knows them, or someone who knows someone who knows them, and can vouch for their character then you maybe shouldn’t go there.

How odd, and totally fantastic, this was to me. Rather than having a girlfriend point out a man she has had a relationship with and saying, “I’ve been there so don’t go there,” she says something like “I’ve been there, you should go there,” or “He is a great Dom, have you met him yet? I think you guys would hit it off.” It reminds me of those parties people used to have, and possibly still do although I haven’t heard of them in a quite some time, where everyone brings an ex-lover or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife. The idea is that we all have exes who, even though it didn’t work out between the two of us, are great and would be perfect for someone else. We support them in finding someone new who will be better suited for them rather than kicking them to the curb and telling people you know to steer clear of them.

I’ve always been of the mindset that regardless whether you’ve had sex with someone or not, if you think they would be a good match for someone you know you should be able to introduce them, set them up even if that’s your thing. I always followed the don’t go near my ex rule simply because I found people to be too petty and jealous and didn’t want to stir the pot. They think that because they once shared a kiss or a bed or the backseat of a car that they somehow have ownership over them. Some people, women more so in my experience, even play the don’t go near my ex card for men who aren’t their exes. Sarah had the biggest crush on Tom when they were in 5th and 6th grades and it would devastate her if you ever hooked up with him. Seriously? Yep, that shit happens.

I dated this guy named Shawn one summer when I was in high school. We were friends for years, we grew up next door to each other, and this summer we became more than friends for a while. During that time we attended the weddings of his sister and one of his cousins. I am all over the wedding videos. Our fling didn’t last beyond the summer but it is forever documented on those videos. The following year he started dating the woman who has since become his wife. They have three sons and have been married more than twenty years. Still, even with all those years of marriage between them and my being nothing more than a spec of a dot twenty-odd years ago, she is jealous of me. Any time I’ve run into him, which has only been a handful of times since we now live more than 1,500 miles and a body of water apart, we can’t even have a conversation if she is there or anyone who would tell her they saw me is there. I get that you can have moments of insecurity and that starting a relationship with someone after they have recently shared some big moments with someone else can cause you to feel some pangs of jealousy, but if you are so insecure in your relationship after more than twenty years together that you can’t even handle your husband saying hello you have more issues than just some petty jealousy about me.

I’ve never been a jealous person though so I don’t really understand people who are. To me it is a rather useless feeling, much like worry. What does jealously do for a person? It doesn’t make you feel good. It doesn’t help in any way. If you are insecure in your relationship, figure out why and fix it or leave the relationship and move on.

An ex-lover once asked me what I thought our relationship was and if I had issue with him seeing other women. He had been pushing for me to see other men and to find a “real relationship.” He actually brought this up on numerous occasions. I guess he wasn’t used to the non-clingy, non-jealous answers that I gave him. I recall him saying something along the line of not knowing if I was delusional and not being honest with myself or if I was really that way. Truth was I didn’t really care about him the way he thought I might. Yes, we had fun and I cared about him, but it was never going to be any big romance or love story. Although a lot of good things came from me giving him a chance, it was never going to be more than a bit of fun, a you scratch my itch and I’ll scratch yours kind of thing.

There was only one time that I felt jealous and I found it very odd to say the least. He, MySir, was Twitter friends with a young lady and they had this flirty thing going on. There were some comments made between the two of them that I didn’t particularly like. He had made a comment about a piece of art she had posted a picture of and she came back with something about how he knew what it looked like because he had seen it in her bedroom. I asked Him if they knew each other and had a relationship in real life and he said it was just an online flirtation. Some time after I brought it up again and he asked me if I was jealous. I said no at first then I realized that was exactly what I was feeling and told him so. It was tough admitting it because it meant admitting that I felt insecure and unsure about what the relationship we were having meant to him. I’m sure it also had to do with the fact that she lived in the same state as him while I lived 600 miles away. That is the only time I have ever truly felt jealous.

Click the Wicked Wednesday button below to read what others had to say about jealousy this week.

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