Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

I recently joined a group on Facebook, BDSM Info, and saw the following posted earlier this evening. (It is a closed group but you may be able to see the original post and comments here) I wanted to share it because it is something we should all ask of ourselves and our relationships. Even if we do not have all the answers it is important we consider them and find the answers along the way.

Questions to think about for a sub/slave

Tell me, my slave, do you do the things you do for me because you want to, because you believe I want you to, or because you have been taught by someone else that is what a slave should do?

Why do you kneel for me, why do you call me “Master”, why do you obey my every command, regardless of how stupid it is?

If I told you I wanted you to stop kneeling for me all the time, to stop calling me “Master” in every sentence, to stop following my every command without thinking, would I be less of a Master in your eyes then?

If I told you I wanted you more as my friend instead of my property, more as my lover instead of my toy, more as my helper instead of my tool, would you lose your respect for me then?

If I relieved you from your bonds, from your commitments, from your promises of obedience, would you leave me then?

Do we shape our relationship from our own common needs and preferences, or do we shape it from a cliché someone else has painted for us?

And finally, am I asking you this just because I am a “true” Master testing if you are a “true” slave, or am I asking you this because I want to know, because I want us to know, because I want you to know the answers to these questions.

Think, my slave, about if you want to answer these questions, about if you dare to find the answers to these questions, about if I really want you to try to answer these questions.

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Saying good-bye doesn’t mean good-bye forever.

Sometimes it’s just good-bye for now.

Sometimes it’s a good-bye to one dynamic so another can take its place.

Sometimes it is a good-bye forever though.

Not because we want to say good-bye.

Not because we don’t want that person in our lives.

But because we want the other person to be happy in whatever way that may be.

Because sometimes they need the good-bye more than they need the support.

It is about needs, not wants or desires.

It is about what will be best for each of you in the long term.

Saying good-bye doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

This time it means I love you more than I can possibly convey.

Good-bye, MySir.

For now,

But not forever.


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Starfishing can serve a purpose but there comes a point when you just can’t stay still anymore. At least there should come a point. No such luck.

Laying there, a lifeless body, Lynne just never seems to get into it. What was he doing wrong? Why didn’t she enjoy sex, with him? And Warren was convinced it was himself that was the issue, not her. After all, she had been with nearly the entire football team prior to hooking up with him. She must have been better than this.

He tried everything he could think of. All the techniques from “How To Give Her An Orgasm Every Time”. The girl at the book store said it was the best and that he would have his girl begging for more in no time. Boy was she wrong! He was sure she was still laughing at him for buying the damn thing. Come to think of it, there was quite a bit of dust on it. No matter, he was beginning to think nothing would help anyway.

A few weeks later they attended a party, a little housewarming party for Lynne’s friends Pam and Jeff. They seemed like an odd pairing to him. She had been a cheerleader in high school, now in her second year of Holistic Studies at the local community college. He had been president of the chess club, editor of the school paper, and was now working towards his law degree. Very different, but they did seem to get along rather well. Then again he and Lynne also seemed to get along quite well, and they did, everywhere except in the bedroom.

The drinks were flowing and everyone was having a great time. The conversation turned towards sex, as it often does, and the topic of the famed 69 position came up. He was for it, of course. Any position that allowed him pleasure was good, if he could be pleasured while pleasuring his girl, even better. The guys all agreed. Pam thought differently.

“How can I relax and enjoy Jeff’s mouth teasing me while I’m supposed to be concentrating on sucking his cock? It’s like starfishing, it can’t be done. I either stop what I’m doing all together or start doing it with such force he tells me to stop and slow down, to watch my teeth. I go at him hard because I’m trying to force my own orgasm from it. It doesn’t work well.” Pam stopped and giggled nervously as she realized the intimacies she had just shared with her friends.

Then something unexpected happened when Lynne chimed in with her opinion.

“I feel the same way when I am with a man doing that position. It doesn’t do it for me at all. Now, make the man a woman and I am all for it!”

Warren was shocked, as were the rest of the partygoers. Everyone it seemed, except for Clarissa. A light blush crept across her face and she was unable to look up at Lynne. Lynne was certainly able look at her though, and with a saucy little grin she did.

Suddenly it all became so clear.

Wicked Wednesday


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Once a cheater, always a cheater.

We’ve all heard the saying. Usually it comes from some hurt spouse or ex-spouse. Though I have heard this from a man it is most often heard from a woman, either a girlfriend, wife, or disgruntled mistress. Some people are convinced it is absolute truth while others believe people can change or learn from a mistake, that we evolve as we grow older and grow up. Which group do I fall in? A bit of both actually.

There are as many “reasons” people cheat as there are cheaters, and cheating once does not mean you will become a chronic cheater.

I have one friend, more of an acquaintance these days actually, who has cheated on every boyfriend she’s ever had except for one. He was the one man she truly loved when she was younger and he cheated on her. He broke her heart. She cheated on the next man she dated and every man after that. She fell into a life of cheating so that she wouldn’t end up being the one cheated on again. That’s the gist of it I’m to believe. She told me once that it was difficult the first time but the more she did it the easier it became. Now it doesn’t even click with her that she is doing something wrong, it is just who she is.

There is also the case of an extended family member of mine who cheated on his wife with a woman for nearly two years. Initially a drunken one night stand, the woman basically blackmailed him into continuing the affair by threatening to tell his wife if he didn’t. This is the story he told. I don’t tend to believe it, for several reasons. A one night mistake can be forgiven but an ongoing two year “relationship” is much harder to forgive. Also, the truth will always come out eventually. Always. Especially when one is living in a town of less than 7,000 people. Regardless, it happened and his wife found out (the woman told her anyway) and rather than leave him she decided to retire to be with him all the time so that it wouldn’t happen again. What do you think the chances of them living happily ever after are?

Then there is seven year man who thinks it’s his right to have sex with whomever he wants regardless of whether he’s married or in a relationship or not. He was married for ten years before he met me. He cheated on his wife with me (which, for the record, I never knew until we were moving in together). He also cheated on her many other times before me, enough that they attended marriage counseling on several different occasions. Needless to say, he also cheated on me and the woman he married after me.

One of the things I learned from most of the cheaters I’ve known is that sex isn’t usually the real issue. Yes, it can be that they just want to fuck every man or woman in sight, but most often it is used as an excuse to cover some other problem, or conceived problem, that they do not know how to handle. My female friend was badly hurt and does not want to be hurt again. Rather than confronting that issue and overcoming it she cheats so that he will leave her before she falls deeply for him and he has a chance to hurt her. Another male friend cheated on his wife because he was lacking support and an emotional connection from her. Rather working on his marriage he found what he was missing with someone else.

I recall an incident with co-workers many years back. They were both married to other people and although they never physically cheated he emotionally cheated. She thought that they were just being good friends but then he started sharing all the things with her that he should have been sharing with his wife. He didn’t even realize it was an issue himself until his wife threatened to leave if he didn’t stop seeing the girl at work. Eventually he left the company so that he could save his marriage and they would no longer have to work with each other.

Seven year man was different from most in the respect that he came from a long line of cheaters. His father cheated on his mother, his grandfather on his grandmother. He was also an egotistical narcissist who thought he was gods gift to women. Even though he seeked counseling in his first marriage he never truly believed he was doing anything wrong and therefore never learned anything from it. He did it to appease his wife. He was not really husband material, and definitely not worth the pain and tears that were shed over him. I remember him saying he was afraid of dying alone but in the end I believe that is exactly how he will be, alone.

I’ve been the woman cheated on and the one who did the cheating. Yes, I have cheated, but only once. After seven year man and I had moved in together he was constantly having to meet with his ex-wife to finalize the divorce and such. She was finding any excuse she could to see him and he didn’t see it. Or maybe he did and that egotistical narcissist part of him made him go anyway. Then he would be away at work weeks on end, returning home barely one weekend a month. I was young and naïve and fed up with being left at home alone and went out drinking one night with girlfriends. There was a young man who had a thing for me and we often flirted. This night I let him bring me home and invited him in. I knew it was wrong and I was basically acting out, one of those “I’ll show him” moments. I regretted it even before it was over and have never cheated since.

One mistake does not define you. What you do after, how you move on from it, does.

Over the years since seven year man I have done quite a bit of dating and had a few longer term relationships. Have I had sexual relations with men other than my partner? Yes. Have my partners had relations with women other than me? Yes. The difference now though is that it is an open and honest thing, rather than something that is lied about or hidden from the other partner.

It isn’t about just going out and screwing around with someone, it’s about being honest with each other, working through any issues we may have, and taking an opportunity to meet a need or desire with our partners permission and understanding. It is about wanting our partners to have an exciting and fulfilling experience even when we can’t be the one to give it to them. We can play with other people as long as we agree to it before hand and share our experiences with each other. If we were to do it and then ask if it were ok, that would be cheating. If we were to do it without the other persons knowledge or permission, that would be cheating.

MySir lives 600 miles away. We have to be able to communicate openly and honestly and we need to trust each other in order for a relationship to work with that distance between us. We have to be together in our thoughts and actions regarding our relationship with each other. I tell him about every opportunity that comes up even when it is something I may not be interested in. I don’t do it to say hey, people want to be with me, I do it so that he is never in the dark about anything going on in my life. I also tell him because he may see something in the opportunity that he would like me to experience.

It works for us and I believe it could work for many others if they weren’t so close minded and insecure.

What do you believe? Once a cheater, always a cheater?

Click below to see what others are talking about this week.

Wicked Wednesday

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I recently updated my relationship status on FetLife to “owned.”

I’ve only had a status up once before, about this time a year ago actually, but it was short lived. I had met a man, a very nice man, and after a few meetings and some discussion we decided to enter into a D/s relationship. There were no romantic feelings though and I need some romance with my D/s. I need to know there is more to it than just scening, than just playing. I am an emotional person. I am a touchy feely person. That’s just who I am and not only can’t I change it, but I don’t want to. I need to have that emotional connection with someone I am going to have an intimate relationship with. Funny thing about the status thing, we never actually saw each other between when I put it up and when I decided it was a no go a few weeks later and removed it.

In addition to that man being out of town and being unable to connect with each other, I met someone else. I met Him actually. We had been following each other on Twitter for a while before we ever chatted with each other, but with that first message he sent we immediately connected. Tomorrow will be one year since he sent me that message asking if I was a Newfie (which I am by the way).

Things haven’t gone swimmingly over the past year. We have spent more of it apart, not communicating at all, than we have together. He pulled away. I met other people, tried to have other relationships. Even so, he was still always with me, in my thoughts, in my heart, a part of me. He owns me. I belong to him, I always have.

Back to this status change.

I now say that I am owned, not by Him specifically, just owned. I may write about my life, my thoughts and things that happen, but he is a rather private person and I respect that. If I didn’t have this blog, and some degree of anonymity with it, nobody would know any of these personal things about me or my life.

I get a fair bit of traffic on FetLife. Much of it is due to me running the local community group and munch. People ask questions and want to connect so that they feel comfortable coming out for the first time. I’m good with these messages. I’m also good with messages from my friends sending jokes or links to things they think I’ll like. It’s all about being social, being part of the community, and helping others.

There are always other messages of course, from men or women or couples looking to hook up and telling me how fantastic I am and occasionally there are messages from men who are genuinely interested in getting to know me. Now, after changing my status from nothing to being owned, the messages from people wanting to hook up or see if there could be something between us have increased. Greatly increased. I was shocked.

What is it about someone saying that they are in a relationship, owned in fact, that says they are looking for something else? Seriously?! I’m not any more active than I was before. If anything I would say I am slightly less active. Why are more people contacting me? I don’t understand. Maybe the saying is true, the one about wanting what they can’t have. Maybe they see that because someone owns me I am worth owning.

The one thing that gets me about all of this, all of the messages, really isn’t the number of them it is that not one of them asked if it was ok to contact me. Not one even acknowledged the fact that I am owned.

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1950’s Style

What we see: Mary is married to Bob. He works at the local credit union and she at the high school. Mary comes home from work each day and cooks a hot dinner for her and Bob. She has his slippers at the door, the day’s paper on the side table of his favorite chair, and Channel 4 news on the television ready for him. A scotch will accompany the paper on days he has indicated one is needed. She has a hot bath each evening before bed then, while her husband has his shower, she lay waiting for him to come take her. Afterward, she will clean him with her mouth before he falls asleep.

What we wonder: Does Mary do those things for Bob because it pleases her to please him? Does she lick him clean because she enjoys it? Or does she play the good little submissive wife because that’s what she’s been taught to do? Does she feel like screaming because she is living a life she does not want? Would she rather greet him when he comes home kneeling naked on the floor with her bare ass to him and have him fuck her from behind with his shoes still on?

What’s their story?

Story 1: Mary was always a good one, a pleaser some might say. Maybe it was the positive reinforcement her parents gave her, maybe it was just her nature, but even as a young child she did best with rules and chores and schedules, with routine. She found comfort in them. She excelled with them. When she didn’t have these things to keep her on track she was a hot mess, and not in a good way. Not just because things would fall apart, but because she took great pride and pleasure in such things. Mary needed her rules and schedules, structure and routine. She needed to know what she did pleased her parents. She didn’t just need these things though, she wanted them, she craved them, she was her best self with them.

In her second year of university Mary met Bob. He had blue eyes, black hair, and a smile that lit up the room. She was attracted to him immediately. He was one of those people who commanded attention, confident and always in control. Everything had a time and place with him. Structure. That may be what she found most attractive. When he asked her out on their first date he already had the whole evening planned. It was what some would call a proper first date. He was respectful. There were no sexual advances, just a soft kiss on her forehead after walking her to her door at the end of the night. Sweet, you might say. After that first date they were practically inseparable. They studied together at the library, met for breakfast in the commissary (6:45 sharp!), and began life together as a couple. They married within the year and bought a little house in town, white picket fence and all.

Things just fell into place. There were no discussions regarding what Bob expected when he came home each evening. He didn’t need to tell Mary what would please him. She instinctively did what he wanted as doing it also pleased her. Their roles came naturally and they complimented each other perfectly. The way Mary tilted her head to him for the kisses he planted on her forehead. The way he let her walk confidently ahead of him so he could admire her, and the pleasure he got from knowing she was his when he observed others admiring her as well. The way she reacted to him casually inquiring, “Time for that bath?” and knowing the meaning behind the simple query. The way she cleaned him up after, enjoying every drop of his sweet saltiness. Yes, they complimented each other very well. They couldn’t have been happier.

Story 2: Bob is so stressed at work. This damn credit union gig is a pain in his ass. He thought he would do more with his life, be further in his career. He had had so much potential. How could it have gone so wrong? He was thankful to have an attentive wife at home. She never gives him a hard time or neglects her duties. She knows her place and never steps beyond it, knowing the consequences of doing so. He has trained her well.

Mary loves her husband, she does, truly, she just wish he were more like the man she first fell in love with. He used to be so fun to be around. That’s it, fun. They used to laugh and enjoy life so much back then. They weren’t stuck in jobs they loathed, they didn’t have a mortgage to make, they had had no responsibilities except to each other. Bob didn’t handle all these life stresses so well. He let them get to him and to compensate he set all these rules to try to control things, to control her. She was expected to be the good little housewife and follow whatever her husband said. They didn’t even talk anymore.

They lead a boring existence. They had pot roast on Sundays, chicken on Mondays, pork chops on Tuesdays… you know the drill. Saturday was open for entertaining purposes. Usually they would dine out but there were some Saturdays when they entertained company at home. Mary didn’t exactly look forward to these occasions but she did enjoy them more than the alternative of getting dressed up and making a fancy show of things that weren’t. When they stayed home could make whatever she wanted, as long as she made it, no ordering out, and Bob usually drank until he passed out. Didn’t matter. She got to relax with some friends and didn’t have to perform what he referred to as her wifely duty.

Their sex life used to be quite active and exciting. Slowly though, over time, it dwindled and morphed into the sadness that it was now. They no longer spent Sunday’s lounging in bed making love. They no longer had that spark, that energy that drew them to each other. Sex had become so boring and routine, something she didn’t care for at all. Now she was expected to bathe each evening and lay there while he used her as a fuck hole. That’s all it was. There was no passion. So sterile it all seemed to her. Sometimes she wanted to scream. Just once she would like him to come home from work, bend her over the hall table and drive his cock into her. Just once. Even that was now too much to ask.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

What do you think their story is? If you are inclined to partake in this people watching game, please feel free to add a link to your own story in the comments section. I love hearing how people interpret the same information differently.

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#78 on my list of 101 things in 1001 days (which has been updated along with this post)

Many years ago I had to write a list of things I was looking for in a partner as part of a school assignment. I was studying natural and alternative health at the time. This particular assignment was for a class on manifesting and the law of attraction. The idea is to cultivate what you want rather than what you don’t want. I’ve looked back at my list over the years and nothing has really changed. Bear in mind that I wrote this list before I learned about BDSM and dominance and submission. I remember showing it to a friend and her first reaction was that there’s an awful lot of sex on this list. LOL… Looking at it now it really doesn’t seem like a lot, although a few of the items make more sense to me now.

Here, in no particular order, is my list:

1. he is a truck man

2. he has strong but gentle hands

3. he loves me

4. he is the man, the dominant one

5. he gives the best hugs

6. he enjoys an active sex life with me

7. he wants to grow old with me

8. he protects me

9. he has faith, not religion, but faith

10. he is a loving person

11. he supports me

12. he believes in me

13. he is smart, educated possibly

14. he enjoys cooking, not just on the barbeque

15. he can disagree with me without it being an issue

16. family is important to him

17. he has a contagious laugh

18. he always kisses me like he means it

19. he smiles when he thinks of me, and I when I think of him

20. he likes to travel and see new places

21. he has his own interests

22. he is a big man, not small or skinny

23. he is at home near the water

24. he is honest and truthful with me

25. he has a strong sense of self

26. he can change a flat tire

27. he is a dog man

28. he is older than me

29. he likes to be silly, have fun and laugh

30. his voice captivates me

31. he believes in non-monogamy

32. he will share outside experiences with me

33. he enjoys the kinkier side of sex

34. he enjoys watching me

35. he is thoughtful, considerate

36. he likes to play games

37. he drinks wine

38. he is patient and understanding

39. he smells good

40. he is creative, artistic to some degree

41. he likes camping

42. he rubs my feet

43. sex, did I mention sex?

Sending wishes for a very happy new year, filled with love and laughter, and maybe a little wickedness. 😉

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