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Posts Tagged ‘self awareness’

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is “trust.” I’ve talked about here a few times previously. Most notable are Trust and When You Can’t Trust Your Body. Take a read if you haven’t already.

When we talk about trust we are most often referring to trust of another. What about trusting ourselves? What about trusting what we want? Truth be told that is what I have the biggest issue with, trusting myself. Oh, I trust that I can take care of my son and ensure he is happy and healthy. I also trust that I am knowledgeable enough to always have job opportunities available to me. What I don’t trust is verbalizing my wants and desires to my partners. Oh, I can do it here no problem. I can let all my bits hang out here. Telling my partners, in person, face to face with no barrier between us, with no ability to delete and rewrite, well that is something different entirely.

Recently, Mr S and I were having some fun and he said something that made me laugh. I didn’t laugh at him or because it was funny. I laughed at myself. I laughed more as a relief than anything else because he had asked me to do something that I enjoy doing, something that I know we would both enjoy, but haven’t in many years. Why haven’t I done it? I’m not entirely sure. Maybe I thought it was something I shouldn’t do, or something my partners wouldn’t like me doing. Maybe it was just because I never asked before. We often leave things unsaid, desires unfulfilled, simply because we don’t want to open ourselves up and be thought less of or be made fun of for having them.We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t trust that what we want is ok, regardless of what anybody else may think.

I want to be talked dirty to. I want to be called names and told what a slut I am.

I want you to say no so I can beg you for what I want.

I want you to photograph me. I want to see what you see.

I want to be desired.

I want you to use me for your pleasure.

I want to be shared by numerous men. I want you to watch.

I want to be naked and play while others watch.

I want to drive my fake cock into you the way you drive your real one into me. I want to make you my bitch.

I want to queen you.

I want to watch you suck another man’s cock. I want to share one with you.

I want to learn how your body reacts to various stimuli. I want to blindfold you so you only feel and experience without any preconceived notions seeing would give you.

I want you to restrain me and force my orgasm, over and over again.

I don’t want you to stop, even when I beg you to.

I want to be able to express all of these things to you and more. If I can tell you what I want here for the whole world to see, why can’t I do it when you ask, when I am laying naked beside you?

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Mr S said something to me the first time we were intimate that I keep going over in my mind. “I just want to be me.” He said it a few times, “I just want to be me. I just want to be me.”

When it comes down to it isn’t that what we all want, especially us kinky BDSM people, to be ourselves? No pretending we are something we aren’t, no hiding our true nature and desires. Openness and honesty about the whole of ourselves without judgment or shame. Wouldn’t that make life so much easier?

We can be honest. We can be our true selves if we want to be. The first key is, we need to know who our true self is. The second, we also need to be confident enough not to let others thoughts bother us because, let’s face it, people can be mean to one another. We judge others based on our own standards and ideals, our own experiences. We try to make them conform to what we are told is right, something that we can understand. We also put people down who are living the way we wish we could live. That’s the tough one, treating people poorly because they are doing what we only dream of doing.

Think about it.

The service rep at work owns a brand new BMW. Wow, we wish we could buy a new BMW. A new vehicle of any kind is out of our reach at the moment, and possibly forever for a BMW. Are we happy for that rep? No, we aren’t. We somehow find a way to put him down for having a new car. We talk about how it must be nice to live at home with Mommy and spend our money on frivolous things. Little do we know, he’s the one who bought his mother her house and before the new car he took the bus or walked to save money so he could buy her that house.

The mean girl from high school just married her second husband while we sit at home alone with no prospects in sight. Why would anyone marry her? You are a much better person that she could ever be. Does he know about what a bitch she was to her fellow classmates, or how she used to make out with a lot of different guys behind the bleachers? Forget that high school was thirty years ago or that you are alone because you don’t have enough self-confidence to go out socializing with your friends. You choose to stay home alone instead.

When we meet someone and start a relationship with them, regardless how casual or serious that relationship may be, we too often fall into that trap of judging or shaming. …You’ve had how many sex partners? You tried what? That’s disgusting, how could you ever do that? You were with her and now you want to be with me? That’s a big step down don’t you think? I can’t begin to compare to her beauty…

We should be thankful for the lives our partners had before us rather than judge them for it. Truth is, if it weren’t for those partners before you, or those experiences, they wouldn’t be the person they are now and this is the person you like. So rather than being all judgmental about their past you should be thankful for it. After all, you had a past too didn’t you? You learned how to do that thing with your tongue from that guy you met at that bar in Texas ten years ago. You’re a fantastic cock worshipper because you’ve had a lot of experience at it over the years. Those are two things he really enjoys you doing. If you hadn’t had those past experiences you wouldn’t be doing those things for him today.

We’ve all had moments of insecurity, that’s natural. Letting that insecurity settle and build isn’t. If I was insecure about myself I could never have had some of the relationships or experiences I have had. And although all weren’t good relationships or experiences, they all played a part in making me the person I am today. I have the second key firmly in hand. The first? I know who I am today, but as I continue to live and learn and grow my true self will be ever evolving.

“I just want to be me.” That statement made my heart twinge a little when he said it. I thought maybe he never has been just himself, as he is, who he is, without filters and masks. Maybe he has always played the part of the man he was expected to be. Or maybe he tried being honest about his true nature and desires but was judged or shamed into denying it. Maybe he feared how people would respond and denied himself.

“I just want to be me.” I just want you to be you.

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hovering over “picture post” ~ by Artist Wife

We all do this to some degree. We take a picture or two then hmm and ha about whether to post to our profile or send to someone. That is hard enough, but what about us bloggers? What we post is available for the whole world to see should they be so inclined.

The concern isn’t about these pictures being available to anyone at anytime just by a click of a button. It is about whether we would be ok if they knew the pics were of us, our true identities, rather than our blogging alter egos. It’s one thing for Stella Kiink (yes, I am going to refer to myself in the third person, thank you very much) to have her bits on display but what if it were Jane Smith (also not my real name) from the Parent Teacher Association? Would Jane be ok with having her bits posted on the internet? Would she care if the principal of her kids elementary school knew the boobs he was drooling over belonged to little Jimmy’s Mom?

We are all ok with Stella Kiink’s pictures because she is an adult blogger and she’s expressing herself through her words and pictures. Many of the people who view Stella’s blog are generally other bloggers or people who are open-minded enough to know that breasts aren’t pornographic, it’s the way we perceive them that makes them so. We can see the artistry of Stella’s words and pictures. We can relate to her insecurities. We also share her secrets, the one’s Stella shares but are never known in Jane’s world. If we ran into her in the street or at some event we’d likely just say something like great blog or nice post you did for that meme, or I really didn’t like that picture or your arse the other day. We may not like everything that Stella posts but there would be no judgment of her about what she does post.

Would we be ok knowing it was pictures of Jane Smith’s vagina or breasts we were seeing without wanting her kicked off the PTA? Would we be ok reading the stories of her attending play parties or being turned on by pain without having that negate the wonderful parent she is or the valuable contributions she makes to the PTA? Would we be ok with Jane Smith chaperoning our child on a week-long school trip if we knew about the things she did with that young man 17 years her junior? Would we put her in charge of the fall fair if we knew she submitted on bended knee to the man she calls MySir?

You or I would be ok with it, at least I believe we would considering we all have stories that are similar in many ways. We all have parts of ourselves we only show at certain times, with certain people, or on certain media. Many wouldn’t be as understanding though. Too many people are unable to compartmentalize, to separate the different parts of themselves. They assume that because you blog about sex it must be part of every moment of every thing you do. Truth is, it is often on my mind to some degree, but I am quite capable of accomplishing many other things in life that have nothing to do with sex or blogging.

Truth is, the people who would have issue with Jane having pictures of her vajayjay on the internet, they believe that people who participate in a non-vanilla lifestyle are deviants and degenerates. Not because they think we are awful people really, but because they have the same feelings and urges and don’t know how to reconcile them with the good, decent people they are. They have bought into the brainwashing. They have been told that good people don’t do such things for so long that they believe there is something truly wrong with themselves because they do desire those things.

It’s like telling a 100 lb girl that she’s fat. She isn’t of course, but when she is told she is over and over she ends up believing it. She will starve herself until she can’t handle it any more then start binging in secret. That’s what people do who suppress their sexual urges and desires do. They lay judgment on those who freely express and give into their desires while they suppress their own until they can’t any longer and end up doing something very stupid in response. Often they cheat on their spouses, start lying to them and hiding things from them. Men get blowjobs from random women or prostitutes because they’ve married a “good girl” who won’t do that. They don’t even know if their wives would do it because they have no experience and they’ve never asked. Women have affairs with “bad boys” who tell them they’re dirty little sluts, pull their hair, and make them call them Daddy. Somehow these things are more acceptable to them than coming out and being honest about their desires.

What we need to do is stop making other people feel bad for the choices they make and the beliefs they have. Sure, let’s make the murderer feel bad, but not the woman who gets off on having her ass whipped or the man who likes sucking cocks as much as he likes getting his own sucked. We need to stop judging those who live their lives different from us and treating them like they are somehow broken because of their lifestyles. We also need to accept the parts of ourselves that are different, the ones that keep us up at night worrying that somebody might find out. We need to stop hovering and jump in.




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