Posts Tagged ‘self’

He asked me many months ago what submission meant to me. You can read my response HERE. That was ten months ago and a lot, yet at the same time very little, has changed since then. So, He asked me again… What does submission mean to you?

I said it means finding my home.

At home you are your true self. There are no roles to play or people to impress. We don’t wear the masks we show to the world when we are at home. Home is where we feel safe, where we find comfort.

He said it is the actions that define you as Dominant or submissive, not the feeling or intent. It is a choice, He says, the choice to no longer need to choose.

Wouldn’t it be nice to be your true self, to feel safe and at home all the time? To not have to hide any part of who you are? Yes it is a feeling, but it is also action. Dropping your mask is an action. Being true to you, rather than playing a role, is an action. Submitting is an action. I wouldn’t say being submissive is a choice but I would say that offering your submission to someone is.

I always consider how something feels not necessarily what it may look like or the logistics of it. I do agree with him that it is our actions which define us, but our actions do not matter if there is not feeling and intent behind them and the feeling and intent is not genuine.

Let’s consider what he said for a moment with the following scenarios…

Mary is married to Bob. He works at the local credit union and she at the high school. Mary comes home from work each day and cooks a hot dinner for her and Bob. She has his slippers at the door, the day’s paper on the side table of his favourite chair, and Channel 4 news on the television ready for him. A scotch will accompany the paper on days he has indicated one is needed. She has a hot bath each evening before bed then, while her husband has his shower, she lay waiting for him to come take her. Afterward, she will clean him with her mouth before he falls asleep.


June lives with her boyfriend Robby. They have been together a few years and have an open relationship. They frequent a local swingers club where, on most nights, June plays while Robby watches. June always wears her collar when they go out and follows Robby’s rule, eye contact to no one. He chooses the playmates and their activity. He has a proclivity for redheads and big men who like fucking June’s pretty little ass.

On the surface these both look like D/s relationships, their actions suggest as such. They could be, but they may not be. We would need to know the feeling and intent behind the actions to determine that.

Does Mary do those things for Bob because it pleases her to please him? Does she lick him clean because she enjoys it? Or does she play the good little submissive wife because that’s what she’s been taught to do? Does she feel like screaming because she is living a life she does not want? Would she rather greet him when he comes home kneeling naked on the floor with her bare ass to him and have him fuck her from behind with his shoes still on?

Does June enjoy having an open relationship or does she accept it because that’s what Robby wants and she’d rather put up with that than be alone? Does the collar mean anything to her or was she just told she had to wear it? Does Robby choose redheads because he knows June likes them and wants her to enjoy the experience? Or does he do it because he knows she doesn’t like redheads so wouldn’t likely leave him for one he lets her play with? Does June watch Robby when other guys fuck her? Does she get excited by his reactions, does she look him in the eye, enjoy his excitement?

There is much more to Domination and submission than just the actions. You have to go beyond the actions to the feelings and intent. There has to be desire and willingness. There needs to be genuine thoughtful action, feeling, and intent.  It has to feel right, like home.

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