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Posts Tagged ‘submissive’

“Whether your dog fancies herself dominant or submissive, her role in the pack may have something to do with it. So-called active submission or appeasement includes behaviors like jumping, attention-seeking, nuzzling and performing a play bow. If these behaviors accompany the bone drop, your dog is reminding you that she knows you’re the alpha.”
~ Training, The Daily Puppy

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You should always trust your body and it’s limitations. Easily said when you are living a vanilla life, but not so when you enter the world of kink and BDSM. It isn’t that easy because we are may be pushing a limit, some boundary that we want to move beyond or that our Dom wants to help us move beyond. We will engage in activities that cause pain or draw blood, or that generally scare the shit out of us and excite us to no end at the same time. We test ourselves, our Dom’s test us, we test them…. (Yes, we test you. It’s true. Any sub who says they do not or have not tested their Dom is lying.)

The thing is though, that our bodies can only go so far and we need to recognize that before we do great harm. When our endorphins are rushing through us and we start heading off into subspace we can miss or neglect the signs of going to far. This is when you need to trust your Dom to notice the signs for you. When you can’t trust your body, trust your Dom. If you can not trust your Dom then you need to find another.

When your Dom is whipping you and you start to fly you aren’t paying attention to your body heating up or the shakes that start or the fact that you are unable to respond in any comprehensible manner to the pain he is inflicting on your body. Even if we like it, it’s still pain and pain can mean damage. You aren’t paying attention to the signs your body is giving you, but he is. He is checking in with you throughout the scene and notices every little movement and nuance of your body. He knows how it reacts and when it reaches it’s limits.

This means that even though you didn’t use your safe word or get to the point of play that you thought you would, he is going to stop the scene. He should stop the scene. If you are in a public play space or play party and he doesn’t stop the scene a DM will. Keep in mind that just because someone has to step in to stop a scene does not mean that you have a bad Dom. It could be that while you are flying into subspace he is flying into Domspace and not fully aware of the situation. When he is checking in with you during your scene you should be checking on him as well. This way you will notice if he is starting to fly or if he is becoming agitated and you can stop the scene at that time.

I know I said trust your body and if you can’t trust your body trust your Dom, but the reality is we are all human and there may occasionally be times when things happen that we don’t expect or are out of our control. This absolutely must not be the norm. If this becomes the norm you need to find another Dom.

When you aren’t able to trust your body, here are some things your Dom is looking at:

  1. Your breathing – Is your breathing becoming shallow or erratic? Are you having a hard time catching your breath? Maybe you have asthma and an attack is coming.
  2. Your ability to communicate – If you needed to use your safe word, could you? If you can’t communicate verbally are you able to communicate another way?
  3. The sounds you make – Have you stopped making sounds you normally would make? Are you being more vocal than usual?
  4. Your body shaking or lack of movement – How does your body normally react to what he is doing? How is it reacting now?
  5. Your eyes – Are you able to focus on him or something in the room?
  6. Your sense of touch – Do you feel the whip as it makes contact? Are you numb? Is your skin overly sensitive?

These are just a handful of signs your Dom may be looking at. I am by no means an expert on the matter. There can be many more and different signs depending on the dynamics of the people involved and the kind of scene they are having.

 

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MKINYK. My kink is not your kink. Most people say it the other way, your kink is not my kink, or YKINMK. I say mine isn’t yours because mine is what I know about. I don’t know what your kink is. Maybe it is my kink, but likely it isn’t because you’ve never mentioned it to me or taken any interest in mine. Well, in some of mine. You’re probably all about some of them, since many are, but because they are so common place it isn’t really much topic for discussion either.

Is there a point when a kink becomes vanilla? There must be. I mean, some people consider having sex in any position other than missionary kinky. I used to think doggy style was uber kinky (yeah, I was young and naïve ok, give me a break). Now it’s just another position. I used to never suck cock. Never. Ever. I know, you’re shocked. It’s ok, I do it during most sexual encounters now a days. It is quite rare for me not to actually. So although I did consider it a kink at one time I don’t anymore. Don’t get me wrong, it excites the hell out of me, but it isn’t something I would consider a kink. To me it is basically a vanilla activity. I can kink it up though. I can use my fingers, tongue, teeth, even fruit, to add to the basic blowjob technique. You’ve never tried fruit? Come over I’ll demonstrate some time.

Some people consider anal sex to be a kink, either wanting to give it or receive it. Taboo might be another word used to describe it. Although many people do it, there is still a vast majority of people who won’t, or do but just won’t admit it. I quite enjoy it but I don’t do it all the time. For me it is a kink. It isn’t the idea of a nice hard cock in my ass that’s the kinky part. It’s the moment of penetration, the first deep push, when the pain mingles with the pleasure. That’s the kink factor for me, that I love those moments.

My biggest kink, you ask? I’m not sure, probably wax play. I know this isn’t your kink, otherwise you would have obliged me by now. It isn’t something the majority do and there is a pain factor to it. A hot,IMG_4152 soothing, exciting pain. It is definitely a kink of mine. My multitude of pictures with wax dripping over various parts of my body would attest to that. It is also something I have a hard time finding a partner for. Some of the kinkiest of men still seem to have issue with pouring hot wax on me. If finding a partner is such a difficult task its got to be a kink.

Kink is like anything else. Religion, politics, the meaning of life, how you get the caramel inside the Caramilk bar. If we all had the same opinions and experiences what would there be to discuss or learn? I enjoy a good flogging but it isn’t a kink of mine, not yet. I could take it or leave it. It hasn’t sent me to subspace, or even got me close. I actually find myself thinking all sort of odd things when I am being flogged. It’s not my kink but it is a kink of many of my friends. It is a kink of the man who’s flogged me. I like watching him show others techniques to be better at flogging. I like watching someone get flogged. I like learning the differences between floggers and whips and the materials they can be made of. These things interest me and I wouldn’t have known anything about them if it wasn’t for somebody else’s kink.

Being dominant is far from being my kink. A strong, capable Dom is super sexy to me. Sub or slave men are something I don’t quite understand as I consider my role to be the submissive. I was at a party a while back that catered to submissive men. It was interesting to see the variations of their kinks and their submissive or slave natures. At one point two of them were told to worship my feet. It felt nice, but I couldn’t get over the fact that they were kneeling at my feet, massaging and licking, and asking if they were pleasing Mistress. I am no Mistress. That part of it made me feel uncomfortable. Daddy (not my Daddy, I don’t have one) came over and asked me if I would like to fuck one of them. No, was my quick response. Later when he asked me why I had to admit that I like big Domly men and that man isn’t one. He is a nice enough guy, but that just isn’t my kink. It’s fine for him and the women who like it, it just isn’t for me.

MKINYK, YKINMK, and thank heavens it’s not! We’d be a very dull bunch if we all liked the same things now wouldn’t we? Imagine going out to a party where everyone wanted to be bent over a spanking stool. Who would spank them? We’d all be there lining up to be the one getting spanked!


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So, I’ve been on FetLife for a little over two years now and some of the messages I get still surprise me. Even when the messages seem sensible I will go check out their profile and be caught off guard by how different it is from the message. I guess things shouldn’t surprise me since new members are always joining, and there are douches everywhere, but they do.

FetLife is a social network for the kink and BDSM community, not a dating site. There are groups for people looking and yes, people do hook up just like on any regular dating site, but that isn’t the premise of the sight and shouldn’t be the only reason they are there. That isn’t why I am there. It did start out that way though, looking for a threesome with the man I was involved with at the time. I am there to learn, more about me than anything else, and to meet like-minded people.

That doesn’t stop people from joining and sending messages or posting to groups about how they are looking for someone to fuck that night or asking who wants a blowjob. These people aren’t really in the lifestyle, or are genuinely interested but too young and eager. Either way, they will soon learn and calm the fuck down or leave the site because nobody is responding to their eloquent come-ons. In the meantime we still have to deal with their nonsense.

It wasn’t too bad for a while. My profile stated that I was owned and for the most part that kept the riff-raff away. There were some very young men who messaged me but once I responded with a “What do you think being owned means?” they said their little I’m sorry’s and disappeared. Then, just over a week ago I removed the owned status. Not because I don’t still feel owned by MySir, but because he has disengaged and if I left it as it was I would continue to hold back and wait and hope pine over him. It was keeping me from giving other people a chance. I don’t know if he will be back. I don’t know if he wants to or if he’s even capable of it. I love him. I love him but I can’t not live my life because I am waiting for something that may never happen.

After I changed my status a young man sent me a message. He said he was “really interested in talking to you and learn more about you. I am very open, been in bdsm world for many years now, experienced, have had subs in the past. I am very respectful…  know how to treat my girl… I would love to find one girl for long term ongoing.” Then, another message or two and I get “If you know any single sexual kinky girl who wants ongoing i be up for that. If not still love to play with you once be dirty and see how the experience goes.”

My first issue with this message is that he obviously did not read or comprehend the first few sentences on my profile, otherwise he would know that I am not interested in one night stands and casual encounters and would not have suggested such. Second, if he was really interested in talking to me and learning more about me he wouldn’t have asked me to set him up with someone else. If he was truly respectful and knew how to treat a woman he wouldn’t have said the things he did. And, if he is really looking to find that right person for a long term relationship, he sure as hell does not know how to go about it.

There is one profile of a  63 year old “strict master” that takes the cake for me. He “hope(s) to find a relationship” and is “interested in females, sub/sub couples, sub fem/Dom male couples, and willing to entertain other possibilities…. Looks, age, and race are not important. A genuine need to submit and be dominated is…. I can adjust to the needs of the one I am with as long as it is understood that I am in charge totally….  I prefer someone with experience (but) I am willing to train an enthusiastic novice.” There are no photos on his profile and he says it’s because I’m fairly high profile in my community. discursion does not permit me to post a photo.”

What this profile says to me is that he is desperate and will fuck or play with anyone who is interested. Seriously? He has no type? Who does he hope to find a relationship with? The sub fem/Dom male couple? Is a Dom male going to let him be totally in charge? I don’t think so. And I get that some people don’t want to put a picture of themselves up, but put something, anything, that reflects who you are or what you like. Discursion. I’m sure he meant discretion there. We all make mistakes so I won’t pick on that one. I checked his activity and it is a list of short comments on women’s pictures. Cute. Lovely. Attractive. Beautiful. Nice. Quite nice. Very nice. Nice start. Good start…. You get the idea. There were 59 comments like that in the last two hours. Not a way to make one appear genuine and discerning.

I was talking about these and other messages/profiles with a friend who is also on FetLife the other night. He said he doubted these people got any kind of positive response, but if they did he wondered what kind of person would be responding. My thought is that there are as many desperate and insecure women as there are men like these. There are too many women who believe that to be a Dom, or Dominant, means that they should also be arrogant and domineering, and there are too many men who abuse the title of Dominant or assume the title because they are arrogant and domineering. They abuse the title, the role, and the women who fall for their lines.

Being submissive does not mean you need to be a doormat and accept what someone says at face value without doing some homework. It is ok to ask for references. It is ok to be cautious. It is ok to question. It is ok to just say no thank you. It is ok to stand up for yourself, for what you believe and what you want. It is ok to be alone while you wait for what is right. It is more than ok. A good Dom will help you shine brighter, not squash your spirit. They will help guide you and teach you. They will respect and honor you. They will help you become your best self, just as you help them do the same.

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I Am Not

I am not a brat, though sometimes I act like one.
I push because I want you to be the one who doesn’t take it, the one who makes it past my defense mechanisms.

I am not a baby, but I melt when you call me baby.
It means you cherish me and want to take care of me. It means you will protect me.

I am not a Domme, but I act like one at work.
I am the boss, the one in charge, the one who sets the rules and makes the decisions.

I am a masochist, but I don’t like to be hurt.
I am glad you know the difference.

I am not a slave, though sometimes I act like one.
I like to serve you, to make you happy.

I give you control, but I don’t lose control.
In handing over control to you I am able to just relax and be me, to not worry about all the details.

I am not a pet, but you do own me.
Every orgasm, every part of me belongs to you.

I am not a slut, but I like it when you treat me like one.
I like when you make me do the things I am shy about but deep down really want to do.

I am a submissive, though I don’t always act like one.

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Have you ever had an experience you were too naïve to understand or appreciate? So erotic, but you were too insecure to just let it be and embrace it? I relive the following experience in my head over and over again. It’s been 25 years, yet when I close my eyes I am transported back to that little bedroom with that amazing young man I was completely mad about yet unable to love the way he wanted and deserved. I’ve had this written for a while but couldn’t quite get the style of it the way I wanted. I didn’t want a poem or a long story so I was left with breaking the rules.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~



Standing in the middle of a dark room,

nearly pitch black

and I can’t see a thing.

But I can feel him,

his breath against my neck,

his hands gently caressing me.

I tingle all over.

My breath grows shallow.

No words.

He stands in front of me.

Close enough for me to reach out and touch,

but I don’t dare.

The buttons on my blouse

slowly, ever so slowly,

come undone.

His hand glides across my shoulder

pushing my blouse off.

Next, the other shoulder

then he pulls the sleeves

one at a time

and lets it fall to the floor.

Gentle kisses on my neck,

my collarbone,

as his hands now move lower.

The pop of another button

precedes the sound of a zipper,

my zipper,

slowly going down.

Achingly slow.

I hear every catch of the zipper as he goes.

Two hands now move across my hips

down the back of my jeans

pushing them down,

past my behind,

down to my knees.

Lift, he says.

One foot,

then the next,

as my jeans join my blouse

on the floor.

His arms are around me now

tugging at the clasp

of my bra.

Easily unhooked

it is swept from my shoulders

and drops to the floor.

The pile of shed clothing grows.

He cups each breast,

squeezes

and kisses them tenderly.

My nipples ache for more

but I dare not ask.

I am a good girl,

I don’t do such things.

He kneels in front of me

and slips his hands

under the waistband of my panties.

His hands slide down my thighs

bringing the soft fabric with them.

Lift, he says again.

One foot,

then the other,

and I am naked.

He leans in now,

buries his head

between my legs.

I tremble

nervously,

yet completely turned on.

Soft moans escape

as his tongue makes contact.

Oh my!

Off his knees now,

he kisses me

before taking my hand

and walking me over to the bed.

He pulls the sheets back

and sits me down.

I hear the sounds of his clothes

now being removed

and left in their own

crumpled pile on the floor.

Gently,

tenderly,

he takes me.

 

 

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What do you wear to a dungeon? Something black and sexy of course. What you wear over the sexy stuff doesn’t much matter but I wore a very simple and little black dress.


I tried this sexy number. It fit the bill, but it wasn’t quite right.

black lace bra

Then I tried this one and it was the keeper.

blue with bling

I spent some time with my friend, The Big Mean Sadist, and he gave me a few pretty souvenirs to take home. I understand it may be too graphic for some, so rather than post them openly you can click on the photos above to view photos that were taken shortly afterwards (the top photo) then one from this morning (the bottom photo).

 

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