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Dust In The Wind

A fitting tune for today…

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I originally wrote this post when I first started this blog over two years ago. I had no audience then, nobody who knew me from Adam, but I felt it was important to share. I’ve gotten much more personal since then and hope I can continue to be honest about the things that are going on in my life and the way I react to them. We will all be touched by depression in our lives. The key is to not let it overtake you. It is tough, believe me, but you can do it. Don’t be afraid or ashamed. The greater fear should be of what will happen if you don’t do something about rather than if somebody knows. People should know. People should be aware. People need to know that they are not alone with the demons they fight. I don’t have all the answers but I can listen and comfort and let you know that I’ve been there too. I’ve gotten to the point where I wanted to jump out a bedroom window and end it all. I’ve been on the phone with a crisis worker talking me out of taking a leap of my 14th floor balcony. What kept me from doing that and ultimately helped me through it was realizing that I was not alone, that other people share similar struggles in their lives, and that dealing with things rather than running away from them would make me a stronger and happier person. I’ve not talked to my family about it but I have talked to friends, strangers, therapists, and the absolute best doctor in the whole world. When I opened my eyes to the world around me I found a never ending supply of people who weren’t just willing to listen but who wanted to genuinely help.

Stella

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I have been thinking about depression the last few days. I know, taboo subject.

We all experience depression at some point in our lives. Some mildly so, but others require major medication and medical care. Maybe just for a few days here and there, maybe for a lifetime. I am one of the mildly so who falls somewhere in between, though much closer to the few days here and there. Don’t be shocked. Well, go ahead if you must. I’ve kind of shocked myself with that admission actually.

Many years ago while going through a hard time, my doctor put me on medication for my depression. Only a couple of my close friends knew. I never even told my family. The medication worked. Somewhat. It did enable me to make it through the days, to work and function enough to get things done. I wasn’t crying every 10 minutes, and that was what I had wanted. I didn’t notice much difference in any other regard. My friends noticed though. They said it was as if I was in a fog when on the medication, that I wasn’t my chipper self. Not my chipper self? Didn’t they realize I was depressed? How did they expect me to act? Thankfully I was only on the medication for a short time and have not been on any since.

When I became pregnant with my son I worried that I would become depressed after having him. Since I had had an issue previously, coupled with the postpartum a lot of women go trough, I was certain I was going to go down that hole. I recognised that I would need help and I got it right from the beginning. A wonderful lady came to visit me throughout my pregnancy and for a while after. She helped me realize how strong I was, the support system I had, and I was able to keep the depression at bay.

I have been thinking about it because I recently found myself falling into a hole I didn’t want to be in. Depression was seeping in. I didn’t want to face the world. I didn’t want to eat, or sleep, or clean, or get dressed, or anything really. Even spending time with my son wasn’t making me happy like it usually did. The difference though, between this recent phase and all those years ago, is that I was aware that it was happening. I could see it, feel it, and I knew how to stop it. I don’t know how to stop it for everyone, we are all unique individuals with unique life experiences and tendencies after all, but I knew how to stop it from happening to me, and now it’s retreated once again.

This is probably the most personal I will get here. Certainly more than I thought I would share about myself. The thing is though, that everybody gets depressed and nobody talks about it. This is the first time I have ever talked about it other than to a professional. Even my two friends who knew I was on that medication so long ago, we never actually talked about it. It has always remained unspoken. We need to talk about these things. Then maybe we wouldn’t feel so alone. We wouldn’t let it consume us. We would get help. We wouldn’t kill ourselves.

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I have been crazy busy lately. Two major projects at work, some personal projects, and a nearly four year old at home will do that. Generally I love being busy but it is just too much right now. Something’s got to give.

So, work… We are doing an upgrade of our current finance system which, to be honest, is nearly complete crap at the moment. Actually, the system isn’t completely horrible but the version we have is no longer supported and the work-around we have to use it on Windows7 is. We recently upgraded from WindowsXP to Windows7 because XP is not longer being supported. Well, the version of the finance platform we use is no longer supported either and it doesn’t work with Windows7. Fantastic!! Now there’s a big rush on the upgrade all of a sudden because we aren’t able to fully do our jobs since the Windows7 upgrade. Don’t you think they would have done some testing before they did their upgrade? Nope. I need to do all kinds of testing for the smallest things but no, we don’t need to test when doing a major company-wide system upgrade. It’ll all be fine. Ha!

The second work project is to write a new policy & procedures manual and train the field payables teams. This will be a temporary fix no doubt since the system will be changing but I need to get them all following the same procedures and understanding why they need to though, and that can’t wait. Shortly before I started and the company amalgamated the payables teams into one department for all its subsidiaries, they used to run by a “common sense” policy. Since common sense is not so common we have had a lot of issues. It’s one thing to run that way when you are a small family run business but they aren’t that small family business anymore. They have close to 4,000 employees across Canada running a 24/7 operation.

At home things are just about the same stress wise. I am trying to complete the first draft of my novel. It’s a long haul when I don’t have a lot of time to sit and devote to it, and even when I do try to carve out a time the nearly four year old has a way of interrupting. If I could get him to go to sleep at a decent time it wouldn’t be so bad, but lately it’s been 11:00 or later before he settles down and goes to sleep. It’s frigging killing me!

What else is going on? Trying to have a personal life. That’s fluctuates. With MySir so far away we don’t much see each other so are left with the phone and computer to keep us together. It gets lonely. Then I go out with friends and take in the occasional play party or sex partner to get me off and resume some semblance of balance. Getting out to these things takes a lot of planning though so I don’t get to do it as often as I would like. Now, if I could find a sitter who was able to stay well past midnight on a Friday or Saturday night, or even after 9:00 on a week night…

Oh, and I almost forgot about the cottage. Spring cleaning, inside and out, and getting it in shape to sell. Yeah, I’ve got loads of time for that. Not!

So with all these things something has got to give and unfortunately, for now, it will be this blog. I am unable to put forth the material I would like to and if I can’t be proud of the work I do here there is no point in doing it. That doesn’t mean I am giving up on the blog though, to the contrary. I am taking a break from it for a month or so so that I can knock some of those pesky things that are getting in the way off my to do list and focus on the blog the way I want to, the way I should.

I do have several Sinful Sunday posts all ready to go so they will be up each week, and if the posts fit the Wicked Wednesday prompts I will link there as well, but there won’t be any new written content for a while. Rather than just go MIA I thought it best to keep you in the loop and let you all know that I wouldn’t be around for a bit. I hope you understand and will still be here when I return. You all mean so much to me with your encouragement and kind words. I appreciate every friendship this blog has led me to.

No pouty faces, I’ll be back again before long.


Click below to read some very wicked posts that will make up for my lack of wickedness this week

Wicked Wednesday

 

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TMIT: Background Music

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Wouldn’t life be more interesting if it was punctuated by background music in certain situations? Yes of course it would!

Below I have given you the situation, you name the background music that should play. Have fun, it’s the soundtrack of your life.

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It’s been a while since I’ve done a TMI Tuesday post and this week’s theme really appealed to me. I love music! I know, most people do. I wake up to music, drive around with music on the radio, and have songs set for my alarms and reminders. It’s a lot easier on the ears than incessant ringing or beeping.

I decided to limit myself to the music currently on my phone for my answers. My iPod is MIA and my computer is at home, and I am sitting in the lunchroom trying to take a break from the work that keeps piling up on my desk. If I get time after work I may even add the videos. Let’s see how it goes…

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1. When you wake up in the morning.

“The Story”  by Brandi Carlisle – This is my wake up song. It’s not too loud and heavy. It starts of low and soft, whispering you awake. Just the right pace for starting the day.


2. When you climax during sex.

“Release” by Pearl Jam – This is my ultimate sex song. Several things contribute to this for me, not the least of which is Eddie Vedders sexy voice. I like this song because it builds from a slow pulse to a crescendo, just like the act of sex does. Then, at the end of the song is a hidden track, Master & Slave, that brings you back down after your orgasm.  


3. When you urinate.

“3 am” by Matchbox Twenty – Simply because I’m always in there at 3 am.


4. When you walk into your home after a long day of work.

“Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club – When we get home it’s Mamma and Little Boy time. We color and sing & dance and play games. He loves this song and it does a great job of making you forget the long work day and just puts a great big smile on our faces. Sometimes he will get his accordion or pan flute out and start playing along. Yes, I have a very musical three year old.


5. When you take the first sip of your favorite beverage.

“Long Time” by Cake – It’s often a long time between sippings of my favorite rye and ginger. 


Bonus: When you are reprimanding your kids or yelling at your significant other.

“Uprising” by Muse – Seems the child is always trying to revolt, to push his boundaries and my limits. I don’t yell at my significant other. 


Bonus, Bonus: When you are having sexual relations.

“Release” by Pearl Jam, as mentioned earlier.

Another good one is “Crash” by Dave Matthews Band

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

TMI Tuesday

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Wishlist

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We often think about what we would like and what we would wish for if given the opportunity to have our wishes come true. I am sure we have all entertained that precious genie in a bottle scenario at one time or other and inevitably, the wishes always change. If I could be granted three wishes today they would be:

1) I wish MySir and I were together rather than 600 miles apart. I want to fall asleep in his arms and wake to his touch. I want to be silly and goofy and laugh with him, see his smile and the mischief in his eyes. I wish to have him guide me, nurture me, love me in all the ways that I need. I wish to honor him, obey him, trust him with all that I am. These things we already do, we just happen to do them while being 600 miles apart.

2) I wish to get exactly what I need out of my vacation next week… relaxation and rejuvenation, accompanied with drinking and writing. The computer is staying home which means the writing will be done old school style with pencil and paper. I’ve packed a lovely notebook with a big maple leaf embossed on the cover and a handful of pencils (they won’t run like pens do if the page should happen to get wet from say the ocean or rum). I may not have made it to Eroticon 2014 but I will still get a bounty of benefits from this vacation. My only concern now is what to bring to read, as pornography (which I can not find a definite answer regarding what is considered to be pornography in Cuba) is strictly banned and I do not want to end up in jail, in Cuba. I am thinking maybe “A Tale if Two Cities,” which I’ve had forever and not yet read, and my newest Patricia Cornwell book.

3) My last wish is one that I would make regardless the day or circumstance. I wish to raise my son to be a thoughtful and inquisitive man, to be strong and healthy, to respect himself and others, to stand up for what is right, and to always be true to himself.




Click the link below to see what others wished for this wicked Wednesday

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BDSM Movies?

My 101 Things is in desperate need of an update. Soon, I will get to it soon I promise. In the meantime, I thought I’d share links to two movies that are on my list of 101 Things. I’ve wanted to watch them for some time and am finally doing so.

First up is The Secretary. Most of you have likely heard of this 2002 movie.

The story: Lee Holloway is a smart, quirky woman in her twenties who returns to her hometown in Florida after a brief stay in a mental hospital. In search of relief from herself and her oppressive childhood environment, she starts to date a nerdy friend from high school and takes a job as a secretary in a local law firm, soon developing an obsessive crush on her older boss, Mr. Grey (no, not that Mr. Grey). Through their increasingly bizarre relationship, Lee follows her deepest longings to the heights of masochism and finally to a place of self-affirmation.

You can watch The Secretary online HERE

The second movie is Preaching To The Perverted. A 1997 British movie that has garnered quite a cult following. I believe that may be due to the inclusion of some real life BDSM performance artists.

The story: A British government minister on a moral crusade hires an inexperienced young computer whiz kid, Peter, who works for a Christian computer company to infiltrate the United Kingdom BDSM scene. Harding is set on putting a club called “House of Thwax” run by Mistress Tanya Cheex out of business, and is sure that Peter’s secretly videotaped evidence of the club’s activities will do the trick. However, the virginal Peter takes a liking to Tanya Cheex and finds himself falling for the Mistress. Amongst the locations used Layer Marney Tower in Essex plays a pivotal role for a party scene.

You can find Preaching To The Perverted online HERE.

I don’t know if these two movies are any good at showing the lifestyle, or aspects of it, but they are ones that have been recommended to me over the years. I would love to hear any other recommendations you may have.

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I want you to want me

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