Posts Tagged ‘warning signs’


You should always trust your body and it’s limitations. Easily said when you are living a vanilla life, but not so when you enter the world of kink and BDSM. It isn’t that easy because we are may be pushing a limit, some boundary that we want to move beyond or that our Dom wants to help us move beyond. We will engage in activities that cause pain or draw blood, or that generally scare the shit out of us and excite us to no end at the same time. We test ourselves, our Dom’s test us, we test them…. (Yes, we test you. It’s true. Any sub who says they do not or have not tested their Dom is lying.)

The thing is though, that our bodies can only go so far and we need to recognize that before we do great harm. When our endorphins are rushing through us and we start heading off into subspace we can miss or neglect the signs of going to far. This is when you need to trust your Dom to notice the signs for you. When you can’t trust your body, trust your Dom. If you can not trust your Dom then you need to find another.

When your Dom is whipping you and you start to fly you aren’t paying attention to your body heating up or the shakes that start or the fact that you are unable to respond in any comprehensible manner to the pain he is inflicting on your body. Even if we like it, it’s still pain and pain can mean damage. You aren’t paying attention to the signs your body is giving you, but he is. He is checking in with you throughout the scene and notices every little movement and nuance of your body. He knows how it reacts and when it reaches it’s limits.

This means that even though you didn’t use your safe word or get to the point of play that you thought you would, he is going to stop the scene. He should stop the scene. If you are in a public play space or play party and he doesn’t stop the scene a DM will. Keep in mind that just because someone has to step in to stop a scene does not mean that you have a bad Dom. It could be that while you are flying into subspace he is flying into Domspace and not fully aware of the situation. When he is checking in with you during your scene you should be checking on him as well. This way you will notice if he is starting to fly or if he is becoming agitated and you can stop the scene at that time.

I know I said trust your body and if you can’t trust your body trust your Dom, but the reality is we are all human and there may occasionally be times when things happen that we don’t expect or are out of our control. This absolutely must not be the norm. If this becomes the norm you need to find another Dom.

When you aren’t able to trust your body, here are some things your Dom is looking at:

  1. Your breathing – Is your breathing becoming shallow or erratic? Are you having a hard time catching your breath? Maybe you have asthma and an attack is coming.
  2. Your ability to communicate – If you needed to use your safe word, could you? If you can’t communicate verbally are you able to communicate another way?
  3. The sounds you make – Have you stopped making sounds you normally would make? Are you being more vocal than usual?
  4. Your body shaking or lack of movement – How does your body normally react to what he is doing? How is it reacting now?
  5. Your eyes – Are you able to focus on him or something in the room?
  6. Your sense of touch – Do you feel the whip as it makes contact? Are you numb? Is your skin overly sensitive?

These are just a handful of signs your Dom may be looking at. I am by no means an expert on the matter. There can be many more and different signs depending on the dynamics of the people involved and the kind of scene they are having.





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I’ve been reading some posts by Vile recently and was inspired to write one of my own. The posts I found particularly inspiring this week, and ones every sub or slave or those who inspire to be should read, were Warning Signs Of A Fake Dominant and Let Me Tell You Ladies Something. I started writing my post then I received a message from a “Master” on FetLife who I haven’t communicated with in over a year. How apt. I have never met this man or even spoken with him over the phone. I am the owner of the local BDSM group on FetLife and run our local munch. He has never come out to it and I do not know anyone who knows him personally. My inspired post has been put aside for the moment for this; the last few of our messages exchanged on FetLife and the two from today as they were written, although I have altered his user name and removed my phone number.

MasterS: 1Y
u r very safe playing with me , this is a guarantee

I will never exceed ur pain limits and ur submission is pretty well respected , my possible future sub

MasterS: 1Y
ok , will message each other
give ur phone number so i can text message u , n i promise will never call

StellaKiink: 1Y
I will accept you texting…

MasterS: 1Y
Great start

MasterS: 1Y
did u get my text messages?

*There was some texting for a very short while after this message. I deleted them and him from my phone not long after. In them he told me how long my fingernails were to be and what color those and my toes should be painted. He told me to have certain things on hand for when he came over. I recall rubber or latex gloves as being one of those things. He also said I was to refer to him as Sir at all times during any and all communication.

MasterS: 58m
why did u stop replying?  (he also sent a text message at the same time which read: hello pretty sub, how is the bdsm lifestyle treating you?)

StellaKiink: now
Honestly, I wasn’t comfortable with the way you were talking to me, having unrealistic expectations when I was not your sub and you not my Sir. Sir is an earned title, not something to be called just because you demand it.

The way I dress or care for myself, what I keep in my bedside table, are for me to decide until, or even if, I choose to give that control to someone else. I am not going to give that control to someone who declines to give me his name and phone number, and a whole lot more personal information, and who I have not formed that relationship with.

Being submissive does not mean I am going to submit to anyone who tells me to. That may work on young, naïve, or even older women who are desperate to find someone and thankful for whoever gives them that attention, women who have no sense of self worth and base their happiness solely on someone telling them they are.

There is a distinct difference between someone who tells me they are a Dom and someone who truly acts and lives as one. You told me you were, you did not act as if you were. Being controlling and dominating does not translate into being a Dominant, not with me. I don’t know if you really have a dominant personality or if you are just trying to overcompensate for some innate fault you think you have. Either way, I don’t care. As the saying goes, there is someone for each of us. You will be the perfect person for someone but that someone is not me.

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